Jokes

Once some burglars broke out in the bank, one of them pointing the gun on the cashier. He said, "Give me all your money, or you'll be GEOGRAPHY!"
The cashier laughed and said, "You mean to say HISTORY."
The burglar answered, "Don't change the subject."

For years I had been telling my friend Pete that he ate too much fast food, but he always denied it. One day he admitted I was right.
"What changed your mind?" I asked.
"My grandson." he said. "When my daughter told him I was coming to visit, he asked, 'Grandpa from Florida or Grandpa from Pizza Hut?'"

Eight and a half months very pregnant with twins, I was used to getting nervous glances from strangers. But I never realized how imposing I was until my husband and I went out to dinner at a new restaurant.
The hostess sat us at our table, took one long look at my stomach and asked, "Would you like me to get you a high chair just in case?"

looked?? Why can it never be the first place??The race-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face."What's the matter! Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked."It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and murmured, 'What a smooth finish.'""What's wrong with that?" asked the driver."Nothing, but then you felt my muff and yelled, 'Who the hell left the garage door open?!'"

Mom was getting swamped with calls from strangers. The reason? A medical billing service had launched an 800 number that was identical to hers. When she called to complain, she was told to get a new number.
"I've had mine for twenty years," she pleaded. "Couldn't you change yours?"
The company refused.
So Mom said, "Fine. From now on, I'm going to tell everyone who calls that the bill is paid in full."
The company got a new number the next day.

The heaviest element known to science is Managerium.
This element has no protons or electrons, but has a nucleus made up of 1 neutron, 2 vice-neutrons, 5 junior vice-neutrons, 25 assistant vice-neutrons, and 125 junior assistant vice-neutrons all going round in circles.
Managerium has a half-life of three years, at which time it does not decay but institutes a series of reviews leading to reorganization.
Its molecules are held together by means of the exchange of tiny particles known as morons.

My brother, on vacation in Malta, was appalled by the island's chaotic traffic, and asked the hotelkeeper why it was so disorderly.
"In some countries they drive on the right, in others on the left," explained the hotelier. "Here we drive in the shade."

After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board following the close of the service.
The first man to arrive and greet the minister was a total stranger. "You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board members," explained the minister.
"I know," said the man, "but if there is anyone here more bored than I am, then I'd like to meet him."

When I was working as a clerk at a sporting-goods store, a woman came up to my register with a package of white athletic socks. "Will you open this up so I can see how the socks feel?" she asked.
Reluctantly I tore open the package, and she scrutinized the merchandise. She handed me the package, saying, "I like them."
Relieved, I started to ring her up, until she interrupted me.
"Can I have another pack? This one's been opened."

My friend asked his father-in-law, a crop duster, how his day had gone.
"It was the worst day of my life," replied the man. "This morning I was up in my plane dusting a field when I nicked a power line and damaged the wing on the plane. When I got back to the office, my boss chewed me out. Then the guy from the FAA chewed me out.
"On my way home, I stopped at a bar and was handed a warm beer. So I yelled at the bartender, 'Don't you have any cold beer?!'
"The bartender said, 'Sorry, but we've been out of electricity all day ever since some idiot crop-duster hit a power line down the road.'"

suspenders?An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel Prize-winning physicist, Neils Bohr, in Copenhagen, and was amazed to find that over his desk a horseshoe was nailed to the wall.The American said with a nervous laugh, "Surely you don't believe that horseshoe will bring you good luck, do you, Professor Bohr?"Bohr chuckled. "I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not!"

Readers of the Washington POST were asked to compose a very unwise line for a college application:
"When I told my friends I was applying to Lehigh, they were like, no way, and I was like, yes way. And they were like, way cool."
"Four years of fees at your institution come to about $78,000. Just bill my father and mail me half the money. He'll never find out."
"First off, coach said there wasn't going to be no writing."
"To demonstrate my love for your school, I have spray-painted your logo on my town's water tower."
"College is probably the last place they'll look for me."

I got the strangest recording when I called the phone company the other day.
It said, "You have been connected to the correct department on the first try. This is against company policy. Please hang up and redial."

It began as an innocent game with my toddler grandson Robert. I'd get into the fighter's stance and start shadowboxing.
Jabbing with both fists, I'd say, One-two, one-two," and he'd imitate me over and over.
I never thought about the consequences of this little exercise until my wife took our grandson to a birthday party. When the boy's mother was handing out noisemakers, she asked Robert, "Would you like 'one too'?"
It took my wife a while to explain her way out of what happened next.

A man comes up to the owner of a lumberjack business and says, "I need a job and I think I'm pretty good."
The owner replied, "Okay, show me what you can do, chop down that redwood over there." The man said okay and left. Five minutes later he came back and was done.
The owner was shocked and asked, "How did you chop that tree down so fast?"
The man said, "I got a lot of practice in the Sahara."
The owner replied, "You mean the Sahara desert?"
"Yes" he said, "or at least that's what they call it now."

When my children received the video of Cinderella as a summer gift, they watched it almost nonstop for three days. Since it was warm outside, we kept the windows open.
Our neighbors were having their roof re-shingled by three burly men. As I went out to get the mail one afternoon, I heard a roofer singing, "...put it together and what do you get?"
"From the other side of the house came a chorus of two more husky voices:
"Bibbidi bobbidi, bibbidi bobbidi, bibbidi, bobbidi boo!"

She was a first-grade teacher and a new empty-nester. One night she was trying out an art project: making a person with simple materials.
She took a coat hanger, attached a paper-plate face, put a shirt on the hanger, and stuffed it. Then she set it on the couch to see how it looked.
Later that evening, her son walked through the door, home for a surprise visit. Taking one look at her coat-hanger friend sitting on the couch, he said, "Mom, it's not THAT bad, is it?"

After his wife died, the uncle of one of my friends decided to plan ahead and order a grave-site marker for himself.
A week or so later, he came home to find a message on his answering machine. It was from a young woman at the company where he'd placed his order.
"I don't know if it's good news or bad," she said, "but your headstone is ready."

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and n the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.
"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."
"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.
"We hadn't started eating yet."

Classmates at college were lamenting the cost of long distance phone service and debating the relative advantages of Verizon, ATT, and Sprint.
"I've found CTC to be the cheapest plan around," offered one.
"CTC? Who are they?"
"You know," he responded. "Call Them Collect."

It's an Animal World…
We work like a horse.
We eat like a pig.
We like to play chicken.
You can get someone's goat.
We can be as slippery as a snake.
We get dog tired.
We can be as quiet as a mouse.
We can be as quick as a cat.
Some of us are as strong as an ox.
People try to buffalo others.
Some are as ugly as a toad.
We can be as gentle as a lamb.
Sometimes we are as happy as a lark.
Some of us drink like a fish.
We can be as proud as a peacock.
A few of us are as hairy as a gorilla.
You can get a frog in your throat.
We can be a lone wolf.
But we're having a whale of a time!

I own a pet parrot who is very friendly and talkative. I bought a beautiful golden cage to keep him in. As I said, he is very friendly and everyone loves him. Lately, however, his droppings have become quite odoriferous. It had reached the point where you couldn’t walk in the room without feeling nauseous. I tried various household solutions to clean the cage, and get rid of the odors but none would work. Finally the bird, himself, came up with the solution, I heard him singing,
“Ammonia a bird in a gilded cage”

The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased that he asked to speak to the chef. The owner proudly led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chef.
"Your veal parmigiana was superb," the customer said. "I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there."
"Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported."

I had ordered vanity plates to go with my very first car and proudly did the installation myself. When I finished, my father came outside and asked, "Why did you put on only one?"
"That's all the state sent me," I replied.
"Is that right?" Dad said with a grin. Kneeling down, he quickly undid the screws and slid a fingernail along the edge of the plate, separating it from the one underneath.
The name on my personal plate? DITZ E 2

On an airplane, I overheard a stewardess talking to an elderly couple in front of me. Learning that it was the couple's 50th wedding anniversary, the flight attendant congratulated them and asked how they had done it.
"It all felt like five minutes..." the gentleman said slowly.
The stewardess had just begun to remark on what a sweet statement that was when he finished his sentence with a word that earned him a sharp smack on the head: "..underwater."

Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands.
People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the bathroom.
Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

Working as a computer instructor for an adult-education program at a community college, I am keenly aware of the gap in computer knowledge between my younger and older students.
My observations were confirmed the day a new student walked into our library area and glanced at the encyclopedia volumes stacked on a bookshelf.
"What are all these books?" he asked.
Somewhat surprised, I replied that they were encyclopedias.
"Really?" he said. Someone printed out the whole thing?"

A vacationer e-mailed a seaside hotel to ask its location.
"It's only a stone's throw away from the beach," he was told.
"But how will I recognize it?" asked the man.
The reply was, "It's the one with all the broken windows."

For the first few months of her co-op job for the state of Georgia, my sister had nothing to do, so she surfed the Web or did crossword puzzles. One day she expressed her boredom to a co-worker.
"I know," she complained. "Everyone thinks state workers have it easy. But there's only so much you can pretend you're doing."

Standing on the tee of a long par three, a confident golfer said to his caddy, "Looks like a four-wood and a putt to me."
The caddy suggested that he instead play it safe and hit a 4-iron, then a wedge, THEN a putt.
The golfer was insulted and berates the caddy telling him that he was a better golfer than that and how dare he underestimate his game!
Apologizing the caddy handed the gentleman the four-wood he had asked for.
He then proceeded to top the ball and watched as it rolled about fifteen yards off the front of the tee.
Immediately the caddy handed him his putter and said, "And now for one hell of a putt..."

While riding the bus, my mother noticed a young man, who was holding onto the same pole, staring at her. Eventually, he said, "Excuse me. This is my stop."
Since she wasn't blocking his way, she was confused. "Well," she said, "go ahead."
"And this is my pole," he said.
My mother was completely perplexed until the young man added, "I just bought it at the hardware store."
And with that, he picked up his pole and carried it off the bus.

you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?Finding Nemo

For the first time, my four-year-old daughter Kelsey was coming to my office to have me, a dental hygienist, clean her teeth. She was accompanied by her grandmother. When they came in, I greeted them warmly, seated Kelsey, and, as usual, put on my gloves, goggles, and mask.
About ten minutes into the procedure, Kelsey got scared and cried, "I want my mommy!"
I quickly pulled off my mask and said, "I AM your mommy."
Without hesitation, my daughter yelled back, "Then I want my granny!"

A man went on a ski trip, and was knocked unconscious by the chair lift. He called his insurance company from the hospital, but it refused to cover his injury.
"Why is the injury not covered?" he asked.
"You got hit in the head by a chair lift," the insurance rep said. "That makes you an idiot, and we consider that a pre-existing condition."

George, a career Army officer I once met, was jumpmaster for his unit and was taking up a few novices for a drop. The flight was pretty rough, and, after a while, George called off the jump because of high winds. As the plane headed back to base, and the pilot pulled off an unusually smooth landing, two of the neophytes got airsick.
"How come you could take that rough flight, but you couldn't handle the smooth landing?" asked George.
"Well, Sir," one trainee explained, "we've always jumped out of planes.
We've never actually landed before."

A young woman really thought she'd been very patient, through a long period of dating with no talk of marriage.
One night her steady boyfriend took her out to a Chinese restaurant. As he looked over the menu, he casually asked her, So... how do you want your rice? plain or fried?"
Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied.... "Thrown."

I used to live in an area that had a "neighborhood dog."
He would go from house to house and eat any scraps he was given, even individual peas, right off the ground.

One day the dog was at my house, and he began barking like crazy. I went to the door to see what was wrong.
A couple was sitting in a car in my driveway. I poked my head out the door and asked if I could help them.
The man said, "We're looking for the Smiths."

I said, "They live acoss the street," and pointed to the house.

The man spoke again. "Could you call off your dog?"

"He's not mine," I replied. He belongs to the Smiths, across the street!"