One of my students could not take my college seminar final exam because of a funeral. "No problem," I told him. "Make it up the following week." That week came, and again he couldn't take the test due to another funeral.
"You'll have to take the test early next week," I insisted. "I can't keep postponing it."
"I'll take the test next week if no one dies," he told me.
By now I was suspicious. "How can you have so many people you know pass away in three weeks?" I asked.
"I don't know any of these people," he said. "I'm the only gravedigger in town."
Jokes
Tom's jokes and funny stories, from the daily pages (2002–2004) and the joke database (2006). 2,977 items · page 60 of 75
"What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the first day of the new academic year.
"He's a magician, Ma'am" said Little Johnny.
"How interesting. What's his favorite trick?"
"He saws people in half."
"Gosh! now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?"
"One half brother and two half sisters."
There’s a big Hollywood party and all the stars are there:
Demi, Ashton, Brad, Pamela, etc. Mick Jagger is there and decides to hit on Kate Moss. But she turns him down flat. It just goes to show you:
A Rolling Stone gathers no Moss.
My mother is a cleaning fanatic. One Saturday she told me and my brother to get down to the playroom and straiten it up. We had had a party there the previous evening, and she was none too happy about the mess.
As she watched us work, it was clear that Mom was completely dissatisfied with our cleaning efforts and let us know it.
Finally my brother, exasperated with having to do it all over, reached for a broom and asked Mom, "Can I use this, or were you planning to go somewhere?"
As an assistant professor, I taught during the day and did research at night. I would usually take a break around eight, however, to play the strategy game Warcraft online with a teammate.
One night I was paired with a veteran of the game who was a master strategist. With him at the helm, our troops crushed one opponent after another, and after six games we were undefeated. Suddenly, my fearless leader informed me his mom wanted him to go to bed.
"How old are you?" I typed.
"Twelve," he replied. "How old are you?"
Feeling my face redden, I answered, "Ten."
I have a 4 year old son and a 3 month old daughter. A couple weeks ago we were in a waiting room waiting for my mother in law and the receptionist was talking to my son. She asked him if he helped change his sister’s diapers. He responded, "No, they're yucky, Mommy does that."
Not the funniest thing, but then she asked him if he helped feed his sister, to which my son replied in his best 'duh' tone, "No, I don't have boobies!" At which point the receptionist nearly fell out of her chair.
A man entered a bank with a rather large dog on a leash. He asked if it was okay to bring his pet into the building.
The teller said, "Yes, providing he doesn't make a deposit."
Mr. Smith was a traveling salesman and frequent flyer, so he was always very, VERY careful to mark his luggage so that no one would mistakenly take his bags. He always did this with bright ribbons and tape, so he was quite surprised to see his bags grabbed by a well dressed man when he got to the luggage carousel.
Mr. Smith walked over to the fellow and pointed out the colored ribbons tied to the handle, and the fluorescent tape on the sides.
"I believe that luggage is mine. Were your bags marked like this?" he asked.
"Actually," the man replied, "I was wondering who did this to my luggage."
Truckers are a breed apart, and they have a language all their own. Some colorful examples of big-rig lingo:
Strips of rubber tire on the road ahead, to be avoided: Alligators
Semi with a big sleeper: Condo
Flatbed truck with a tarp: Covered wagon
Scale and/or weigh station: Chicken coop
Cars: Four-wheelers
Car-transport truck: Parking lot
Rest area: Pickle park
Snowplow salt trucks: Saltshakers
Bus: Stagecoach
Second trailer hauled by one semi tractor: Wiggle wagon
TOMB OF THE UNKNOWN SOLDIER (Thanks to Professor Puzzle…)
This must take a very special kind of person.
1. How many steps does the guard take during his walk across the tomb of the Unknowns and why?
21 steps. It alludes to the twenty-one gun salute, which is the highest honor given any military or foreign dignitary.
2. How long does he hesitate after his about face to begin his return walk and why?
21 seconds for the same reason as answer number 1.
3. Why are his gloves wet?
His gloves are moistened to prevent his losing his grip on the rifle.
4. Does he carry his rifle on the same shoulder all the time, and if not, why not?
He carries the rifle on the shoulder away from the tomb. After his march across the path, he executes an about face, and moves the rifle to the outside shoulder.
5. How often are the guards changed?
Guards are changed every thirty minutes, twenty-four hours a day, 365 days a year.
6. What are the physical traits of the guard limited to?
For a person to apply for guard duty at the tomb, he must be between 5' 10" and 6' 2" tall and his waist size cannot exceed 30."
Other requirements of the Guard:
· They must commit 2 years of life to guard the tomb, live in a barracks under the tomb, and cannot drink any alcohol on or off duty for the rest of their lives.
· They cannot swear in public for the rest of their lives and cannot disgrace the uniform {fighting} or the tomb in any way.
· After two years, the guard is given a wreath pin that is worn on their lapel signifying they served as guard of the tomb. There are only 400 presently worn.
· The guard must obey these rules for the rest of their lives or give up the wreath pin.
The shoes are specially made with very thick soles to keep the heat and cold from their feet. There are metal heel plates that extend to the top of the shoe in order to make the loud click as they come to a halt. There are no wrinkles, folds or lint on the uniform. Guards dress for duty in front of a full-length mirror. The first six months of duty a guard cannot talk to anyone, nor watch TV. All off duty time is spent studying the 175 notable people laid to rest in Arlington National Cemetery. A guard must memorize who they are and where they are interred. Among the notables are: President Taft, Joe E. Lewis {the boxer} and Medal of Honor winner Audie Murphy, {the most decorated soldier of WWII} of Hollywood fame. Every guard spends five hours a day getting his uniforms ready for guard duty.
ETERNAL REST GRANT THEM O LORD, AND LET PERPETUAL LIGHT SHINE UPON THEM.
I don't know if you saw this in the news but it really impressed me. Funny, our US Senate/House took 2 days off as they couldn't work because of the expected storm.
On the ABC evening news, it was reported tonight that, because of the dangers from Hurricane Isabelle approaching Washington, DC, the military members assigned the duty of guarding the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier were given permission to suspend the assignment. They respectfully declined the offer, "No way, Sir!" Soaked to the skin, marching in the pelting rain of a tropical storm, they said that guarding the Tomb was not just an assignment, it was the highest honor that can be afforded to a serviceperson.
The tomb has been patrolled continuously, 24/7, since 1930.
Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest, my friend trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette.
One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her.
Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?"
The man replied, "That's one benefit of owning the company...."
One evening at story time, a little girl asked her father, "Daddy, do all fairy tales begin with, 'Once Upon A Time?' "
"No, honey," her father replied, "there is a whole series of fairy tales that begin with, 'If elected I promise. . .' "
Jeff Foxworthy on Upstate New York
If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 36 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Upstate New York.
If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Saranac Lake is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Upstate New York.
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you might live in Upstate New York
If you instinctively walk like a penguin for six months out of the year, you might live in Upstate New York.
If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you might live in Upstate New York.
If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Upstate New York.
If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Upstate New York.
If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Upstate New York.
If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Upstate New York.
YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE UPSTATE NEW YORKER WHEN:
1. "Vacation" means going South past Albany for the weekend.
2. You measure distance in hours.
3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.
5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).
7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend / wife knows how to use them.
9. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
11. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.
12. You can identify a southern or eastern accent.
13. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.
14. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.
15. Down South to you means Albany.
16. A brat is something you eat.
17. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed.
18. You go out to fish fry every Friday.
19. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
20. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
21. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."
22. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Upstate New York friends.
When my daughter was about 6, my sister was babysitting for the day. My sister had a soap opera on the tv and during a love scene, my daughter expressed how gross she thought it was that a man and a woman were kissing. My sister explained that when a man and a woman are in love, kissing is not gross. She then said, "Your Mommy and Daddy kiss - they're in love."
My daughter's rebuttal to that was "No they're not - they're married!"
A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D. C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River.
"That's impossible," said the tourist. "No one could throw a coin that far!"
"You have to remember," answered the guide. "A dollar went a lot farther in those days."
In the admitting office of our hospital, some patients were filling out forms, others were being interviewed and still others were being escorted to their rooms.
An elderly woman hesitantly entered my cubicle. She had completed her admitting forms and, upon my request, handed me her insurance cards. I typed the necessary information and then asked her the reason for her coming to the hospital.
"Just to visit a friend," she said, "but this had taken so long, I'm not sure I have time now."
When Chester Harding was painting Daniel Boone's portrait in 1820 (when Boone was nearly 86 years old), Harding asked Boone if he had ever been lost during his travels.
Boone replied, “No, I can't say as ever I was lost, but I was mightily bewildered once for three days."
One day I called my mother from my apartment to make some plans with her. In the background behind her, I could hear a terrible noise, like a jet plane taking off.
"Mother," I asked apprehensively, "what's that awful noise?"
"It's the dishwasher," she replied. "Your father fixed it."
My daughter's eighth-grade history class planned a visit to our nation’s capital. Unfortunately, she was not greatly enthusiastic about a trip that she considered too "educational" to be fun.
However, on their return, I was pleased to hear how she and her classmates had been filled with awe and emotion as they gazed at the Washington Monument.
"To think, Mom," she marveled. "We were standing right where Forrest Gump stood."
Uh Oh!!
In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous...or what?"
"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."
Parents are justifiably upset when their children don't get into the college of their choice. As an admissions counselor for a state university, I took a call from an irate mother demanding to know why her daughter had been turned down.
Avoiding any mention of the transcript full of D's, I explained that her daughter just wasn't as "competitive" as the admitted class. "Why doesn't she try anther school for a year and then transfer?" I suggested.
"Another school!" exclaimed Mom. "Have you seen her grades?"
The wife was busy frying eggs, when her husband came home. He walked into the kitchen and immediately started yelling.
"Careful...CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! WE NEED MORE BUTTER! THEY ARE GOING TO STICK! CAREFUL! CAREFUL!!! TURN THEM! HURRY UP!!! ARE YOU CRAZY!!! USE MORE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!!"
The wife was very upset, "What is wrong with you? Why are you yelling like this? Do you think I don't know how to fry an egg?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like for me when I am driving with you sitting next to me."
While a friend and I were visiting the Naval Academy in Annapolis, we noticed several first year students on their hands and knees assessing the brick courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand.
"What are they doing?" I asked our tour guide.
"Each year," he replied with a grin, "the upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard."
"So what's the answer?" my friend asked him when we were out of earshot of the freshmen.
The guide replied, "One....sir."
A man answers the phone and has the following conversation:
"Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Jennifer has been most difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is. Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her. You were perfectly right. You want to speak with her? All right."
He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room:
"Jennifer, your mother wants to talk to you!"
Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on his shins, so he asked, "Do you play hockey, soccer, or any physical sport?"
"Not at all. I just play bridge with my wife."
A little girl in first grade was doing very well especially in spelling. One day she came home with new words to study for an upcoming test and she asked her mother to help. They came to the word "knit" and her mother asked her to spell it.
She said, "n-i-t".
Her mother said, "No, try again."
She said, very slowly, "n-i-t".
Her mother said, "Now, honey, I know you know how to spell this word, try again."
Very aggravated and very slowly, as if her mother was just not getting the whole picture, she spelled, "N-I-T!"
Finally, her mother told her that the correct spelling was k-n-i-t.
The little girl looked at her mother, put her hands on her hips and said, "THE 'K' IS SILENT!"
Recently my wife was behind a car with three bumper stickers:
"Don't be fooled by genetically engineered fooddemand labels and safety testing for food"; "Eat for the health of it"; and
"Support organic farmers."
The car was in front of her at a McDonald's drive-through.
I was hospitalized for a few days, and my wife reported that my dog really missed me. "She spends the night at the front door, awaiting your return," she said.
"What an example of true love," I replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me."
"Honey," my wife answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."
Someone in our neighborhood put a huge sofa out by the curb for trash collection. Since it was in good shape, many motorists slowed down for a look. But when they saw how enormous it was, they'd leave.
Eventually a compact car pulled up, and two men got out.
"This I've got to see," I thought.
They removed the cushions, turned the sofa upside down, and shook it hard. Then they picked up all the coins that tumbled out and drove off.
My children have never been thrilled about taking naps, but one day they were putting up more of a fuss than usual. In the middle of the tantrums, a friend called.
"What's all the commotion over there?" she asked.
"Oh, nothing," I said. "Just the siesta resistance."
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.
God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."
Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man.
God got mad and said. "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him!"
Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?
The man said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."
My husband, a big-time sports fan, was watching a football game with our grandchildren. He had just turned 75 and was feeling a little wistful.
"You know," he said to our grandson Nick, "it's not easy getting old. I guess I'm in the fourth quarter now."
"Don't worry, Grandpa," Nick said cheerfully. "Maybe you'll go into overtime."
'No One Steals From God'...
CHICAGO - ...but they might try. Two men's plans to rob a West Side Catholic Church were foiled on Wednesday after a determined priest chased them down. The priest and church volunteers were already on alert because the collection box at St. Agnes Church had been robbed before, so when they noticed a man on their video security camera laying out tools to pry open the box, they were ready for action.
After Father Matt Foley rushed from the rectory to the church and grabbed the man's tools, a fight ensued in the church and continued into the street and then the alley. While parishioners called police Father Foley tried to keep the robber from stabbing him.
Police arrested two men, 24-year-old Mark Lopez and 44-year-old Arturo Camarillo, who Father Foley says had received meals and other charity from his church. Foley said he would take a similar risk again to save the church's money, commenting that "No one steals from God."
The warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot, said, "I would like to know two things. First: Why did you revolt?
Second: How did you get out of your cell?"
One of the three men stepped forward, "Warden, we rebelled because the food is awful."
"I see. And what did you use to break the bars?" The warden asked.
Replied the spokesman, "French Toast..."
My girlfriend called me as she was driving to an appointment. She arrived, and I could tell from her voice that she was getting frustrated. Finally she said, "I know I had my cell phone with me. And now I can't find it!"
I replied, "Aren't you talking on it!?"
There was a solid period of stunned silence as the reality of the situation sank in - followed by, "You are NOT going to tell anybody about this!"
A true story if you can believe it. Want to guess her hair color?
A young man volunteered to baby-sit one night so his mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to watch football. One child kept creeping down the stairs but the young man kept sending him back.
At 9pm, the doorbell rang, it was the next-door neighbor Mrs. Brown, asking whether her son was there. The young man brusquely replied, "No".
Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a voice shouted, "I'm here Mom but he won't let me go home."
There was a gentleman in the hospital bed next to me. He was covered with bandages from head to toe.
I said to him, "What do you do for a living?"
He said, "Well, I used to be a window washer."
I asked, "When did you give it up?"
He replied, "Halfway down."
For want of a correctly-placed comma?
My husband asked me to read an essay he wrote for a class at the Industrial College of the Armed Forces, detailing his goals following retirement. Although the essay was quite good, one sentence did leap out at me:
"After retiring my wife, the kids and I plan to..."
A sales clerk asked his boss how to handle people who complained about the current prices compared to the low prices in the good old days.
"Just act surprised and tell them you didn't think that they were old enough to remember them."
During his spare time, my brother, an attorney, volunteers on his town's fire and rescue squad.
When I mentioned this to a friend, he smiled and said, "Let me get this straight. Your brother is a lawyer AND an EMT? So he doesn't have to chase the ambulance; he's already in it?"