Tuesday

A Frenchman with a parrot perched on his shoulder walked into a bar.

The bartender said, "Wow! That's really neat! Where'd you get him?"

"In France," the parrot replied. "They have millions of them."

The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.
'Do you realize what time it is," she said. He answered,
"Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house."
Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she said, "What did you buy for the house, dear?"
His answer was, "A round of drinks!"

Dentists have their own flossify on how to keep teeth clean.

Larry goes to his High School class reunion. Having not seen anyone in twenty five years he's very curious as to who might show up.

When he gets there he runs into Marilyn, his old high school sweetheart. They sit down and talk about the past.

"How have you been?" he asks.

"I've been fine, just fine," she replies, "Although I do have some good news and a little bad news, though."

"Bad news first, Marilyn."

"Well, a few weeks ago I had to have a hysterectomy."

"Oh my, that's too bad. I'm sorry to hear that."

"But the good news is the doctor found your old high school class ring you thought you lost!"

Letters to a pastor

**Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.

**Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix

**Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert, Page 11, Anderson

**Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven

**Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany

**Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago

**Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma

**Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota

**Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City

**Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens

**Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh

**Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena

**Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God? Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, Titusville

**Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina

**Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron

**Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston

You might be a redneck if…

You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dog.

A woman goes into K-Mart to buy a fishin pole. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and ambles on over to the register. There is a K-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir... can you tell me anything about this here fishin' pole?"

He says, "Ma'am I'm blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."

She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.

Then he said, "Well that there's a 5' graphite composite rod. Has a Maxor 202 reel with 12 lb. test line... It's a good all around rod and reel and it's yours for just $20 bucks."

"Thats amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. Sounds like what I'm looking for, so I'll take it," she says.

He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts rather loudly...

Embarrassed at first, but then realizing that there is no way in the world he could tell it was she... being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, "Well ma'am, That'll be $25.50."

She says, "But you said it was $20 bucks?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, that there rod and reel is $20 bucks, sure 'nuff... and the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is our blue light special this hour, just $2.50!"

We all know that Columbus believed the world was round when others believed it was flat and that if you traveled far enough you would go over the edge. We also know that Columbus reached what we now know as America.

While there are still a few who believe Columbus returned to Spain and told Queen Isabella that he discovered a new world, most believe he had told her he had reached India.

Recently documents written by Queen Isabella's official scribe were uncovered revealing what Columbus actually said on returning from his first voyage.

His first words were, "I'll bet I'm the first man who ever got nineteen hundred miles on a galleon."