Saturday

If you're like most people, common everyday items look inert to you. But what you may not know is that many of them have a gender. For example...

Ziploc Bags: Male, because they hold everything in but you can see right through them

Copier: Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

Tire: Male, because it goes bald and often it's over inflated

Hot Air Balloon: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it and, of course, there's the hot air part

Sponges: Female, because they're soft and squeezable and retain water

Web Page: Female, because it's always getting hit on

Subway: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up

Hourglass: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom

Hammer: Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around

Remote Control: Female. You thought it'd be male.
But consider - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying."

Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle. They were stopped promptly by a policeman, who said, "What do you think you are doing? What if you have an accident?"

The priests say, "Don't worry, my son. Jesus is with us."

The policeman says, "In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not allowed to ride on a motorcycle."

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

My sister brought her daughter a really nice Spinet Piano for her birthday.

A few weeks later, I asked my sister how her daughter was doing.

"Oh," she said, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet."

"How come?" I asked.

"Well," my sister answered, "because with a clarinet, she can't sing...."

An old man had a dog he just loved but the dog had the bad habit of attacking anything that moved including people. His friends told him that if he had the dog fixed he would lose his aggressions and quit this behavior.

So the old man had his dog fixed and a few days later was in his front room when the mailman came up the steps. The dog jumped up and went right thru the screen door and attacked the mailman. The old man ran out and pulled his dog off and began apologizing to the mailman.

He said, "I am so sorry, I don't know what to do or say. My friends told me he would quit attacking people if I had him fixed. I just don't know what to do."

The mailman picked himself up and said, "You should have had his teeth pulled, I knew when he came out the door he wasn't going to screw me."

You might be a redneck if…

You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

A boss was complaining in his staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read:

"I'm the Boss!"

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:

"Your wife called. She wants her sign back!"

The police recently busted a man selling 'secret formula' tablets he claimed gave eternal youth. When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.

He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983...