Monday

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out "Perhaps you should hear how all this came about. . . "I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge.

"She was bare-footed so I gave her your good sandals which you had discarded because they had gone out of style.

"She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought for you for your birthday but you never wore because the color didn't suit you.

"Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which were perfectly good, but too small for you know.

"Then just as she was about to leave, she asked, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore ?'"

Mary was married to a something of a chauvinist. They both worked full time, but he never did anything around the house and certainly....not any housework. That, he declared, was 'woman's work.'

One evening Mary arrived home from work to find the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers. She was astonished, and she immediately wanted to know what was going on.

It turned out that her husband Charley had read a magazine article that suggested working wives would be more romantically inclined if they weren't so tired from having to do all the housework in addition to holding down a full- time job. The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her friends in the office. "How did it work out?" they asked.

"Well, it was a great dinner," Mary said. "Charley even cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put everything away."

"But what about afterward?" her friends wanted to know.

"Oh, that part didn't work out," Mary said. "Charley was too tired."

I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.

It seems there were two frogs sitting on a lily pad, when all of a sudden, a fly came along. One frog put out his tongue, ate the fly, and started laughing hysterically. Soon the other frog joined in the laughter.

Later in the day, the other frog ate a fly and the two frogs burst out in laughter. As time went on, the frogs enjoyed the flies so much that the sight of a fly would cause them to double up with pleasure (if it's possible for frogs to double up!). But of course, the most pleasure came when the fly was actually eaten.

A third frog hopped up to the first two and asked what was so funny. The first frog answered "Time." "Huh?" asked the third frog. The second frog explained:

"Time's fun when you're having flies."

On the way home from my job at the pet boarding kennel, I stopped at the grocery store. I was in line at the checkout counter with a full cart when I noticed a man on a longer line buying only two items. Without thinking, I did what I always do when calling to another of God's creatures:
I whistled at him and commanded, "Come!"
As the man got in line in front of me, he grumbled, "Lucky for you my tail's wagging."

You might be a redneck if…

You go to the family reunion to pick up women.

Classic Bumper Stickers

If you don't like the way I'm driving, YOU come get these handcuffs off!

If you are close enough to read this, I am close enough to slam on my brakes and sue you.

Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.

Drive carefully, we need every taxpayer we can get.

Drive defensively - buy a tank.

Don't make me mad - I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Go on, I'll see you at the next traffic light.

I may be slow but I'm ahead of you!

Where are we going and what am I doing in this handbasket?

On the back of an old pickup: If this truck was a horse, I'd have to shoot it.

I brake for tailgaters. Hard.

If you can read this, you are in phaser range.

My kid was Prisoner of the Month at Orange County Jail.

'Get in - buckle up - pipe down - and hold on!

College Q and A

Q:What does the average Mississippi State player get on his SATs?
A: Drool.

Q: How do you get a Georgia graduate off your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.

Q: Why do the Auburn cheerleaders wear bibs?
A: To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms.

Q: Why is the Vandy football team like a possum?
A: Because they play dead at home, and get killed on the road.

Q: What are the longest three years of a Florida football player's life?
A: His freshman year.

Q: How many Ole Miss freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None That's a sophomore course at Mississippi.

Q: Where was O.J. headed in the white Bronco?
A: Lexington, Kentucky-He knew that the police would never look there for a Heisman Trophy winner.

Q: Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color?
A: They can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.