Tuesday

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.

Judge: Did you or did you not see the gun being fired?

Witness: I did not see it being fired. I only heard it.

Judge: Well, that's hearsay. It's inadmissible as evidence.

As the witness left the stand and walked back to his seat, his back was turned to the judge, at which point, he laughed out loud. Immediately the judge recalled him to the bench and was about to hold him in contempt of court.

Witness: Did you actually see me laugh?

Judge: No, but I heard you.

Witness: Isn't that the same kind of inadmissible evidence, Judge?

Brad Miller, Indiana Pacers center, on the team's struggles last season: "It's not going to be peaches and gravy all the time."

Moskowitz met Finklestein on the street one day and said, "Finkelstein, have I got a bargain for you! An elephant! A whole living elephant for just one hundred dollars."

Finklestein said, "Are you crazy? What do I want with an elephant?"

"It's a beautiful elephant," continues Moskowitz, "all grey, ten feet tall, complete with a trunk."

"But I have nothing to feed it on," cried Finkelstein. "I live in a three-room apartment. I have no place to put it in."

But Moskowitz went on: "Two beautiful tusks, maybe two feet long. It is a magnificent beast. They don't make them like that anymore."

"Moskowitz," said Finkelstein, almost screaming, "I have a three-room walk-up apartment on the fifth floor. Where will I keep an elephant?"

"You are a hard man, Finkelstein," said Moskowitz. "I will tell you what, I will throw in a second whole elephant for only $50 extra."

Finkelstein smiled and said, "Now you are talking!"

A new senate page was reporting for duty on Capitol Hill in Washington. The department head who was giving him his instructions said, "And another thing. You must remember the telephone number here. If you are ever calling in from an outside line you must dial Capitol 4-3121."
Then, noticing the puzzled look on the page's face, he said, "What's the matter? You look as though you don't understand."
"Oh, nothing's the matter," the page said. "I just don't know how to dial a capital four!"

You might be a redneck if…

You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.

Leo, our neighbor, came home with a birdhouse one day. I kidded him, asking how many birds cold afford accommodations in our suburban neighborhood.

"Leave that to me," Leo replied. Soon that birdhouse was dangling from a tree with a neat sign that read:

"Room for wren cheep."

An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.

For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."