Wednesday

A farmer wrote to a giant mail order company and asked the price of their toilet paper.

The company wrote back and told him to look on page #287.

He wrote another letter back, "If I had your catalog, I wouldn't need your toilet paper."

Tina was on her deathbed, with her husband Mike at her side. He held her cold hand as silent tears streamed down his face." Mike," she said, weakly.

"Hush, my darling " he interrupted. "don't talk, save your strength."

But she insisted. "Mike," she continued. "Before I die, there's something that I have to confess to you."

"There is nothing to confess," said the weeping husband. "It's all right. Everything's all right."

"No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, that I have been unfaithful to you."

He stroked her hand. "Now, Tina, don't be concerned. I know all about it," he sobbed.

"You do?" she gasped.

"Sure darling, Why else would I poison you? .

March 27 is National "Joe" Day

George W. Bush was in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

Excited, George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses."

The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

Mr. Bush positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man continued to peruse the ceiling.

George tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am."

George W. asked him why he was so uppity, and Moses replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert."

During the historic first manned mission to Mars, two Astronauts were charting the Martian surface.

"Look at that," said one to the other, "how beautiful this alien landscape is, untouched by man."

At that point, he was cut off, as he found his radio communications knocked out by unknown interference. They followed the source of the interference until they reached the rim of a crater. "Do you see what the source of that noise is?" asked the first astronaut.

"I don't know," said the second, "but it might be coming from that Starbucks behind you."

You might be a redneck if…

You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.

At a restaurant the other day the guy in front of me handed his bill to the cashier. The cashier said, "Ah. $14.92. That's when Columbus discovered America."

The customer said, "You don't really believe that, do you? I mean, the Native Americans were here long before Columbus showed up."

They continued their little debate for several minutes. Meanwhile, other customers were lining up to pay their bill.

Finally, the two guys got done with their conversation, to the relief of everyone in line. I got up to the cash register and said, "What was that all about?"

"Oh, we were just talking about historical events."

"Really? Then perhaps you can tell me what year I started standing in this line."

Dear Abby:

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancée's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.

When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred. Then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave.

I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door... There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl.

I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test. Abby, should I tell my fiancée' what her parents did, and that I thought their little test was asinine and insulting to my character? Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?