Thursday

An Old Ukrainian woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish Toronto City Building, when two young and beautiful women get into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.

The little old Ukrainian Baba says, "my, what lovely aromas"!

One turns to the old Ukrainian woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Loren, $150 an ounce!"

The other young and beautiful woman also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Channel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"

The little Ukrainian woman is feeling very insulted from the remarks made to her. About 3 floors later, the old Ukrainian Baba has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says... "Cabbage. 49 cents a pound."

The summer band class was just getting under way when a large insect flew into the room.

The sixth-graders, eager to play their shiny new instruments, tried to ignore the buzzing intruder, but eventually one student could stand it no more. He rolled up his music book and swatted the insect, then he stomped on it to ensure its fate.

"Is it a bee?" another student asked.

"Nope," he replied. "It's a bee flat."

Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it till she's fourteen...

The other day, I took a job with a local band filling in for a sick artist. We had a gig with the local Sons of Norway chapter. The problem is that the Sons of Norway like a peculiar cultural music, quite similar to the German Oompa band music, which rather limited the instruments I was to play.

I selected the tuba. As it turns out, my tuba playing was sufficiently substandard and the audience sufficiently tough that the whole band got booed off the stage before the party was half over. Thinking back, I should have remembered my Hamlet,

"Tuba or not tuba, that is the question."

Jill complained to Nina, "Rosey told me that you told her the secret I told you not to tell her."

"Well," replied Nina in a hurt tone, "I told her not to tell you I told her."

"Oh dear!" sighed Jill. "Well, don't tell her I told you that she told me."

You might be a redneck if…

You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.

There was a gentleman in the hospital bed next to me. He was covered with bandages from head to toe.
I said to him, "What do you do for a living?"
He said, "Well, I used to be a window washer."
I asked, "When did you give it up?"
He replied, "Halfway down."

It's not just the stock market that's been telegraphing "trouble" about the economy. The price of thoroughbreds has matched Wall Street's fluctuations. Yearlings that sold for an average of $27,295 in 1994 were fetching $54,506 in 2000. But recent sales have seen 20 percent declines from a year ago.

Moral: If you invest in horses, don't expect stable prices.