Friday

If Women Ruled The Earth

Women could have an "affair" and humiliate the man!

All male delivery guys would have a strict dress code: Bikini briefs only!

Toilet seats would be spring loaded so they would always be down

Paychecks would be made out to the wife

The remote would always be at her chair

It would be mandatory for all men to ask for directions if they have never been to a place!!

Soap Operas would NEVER be cancelled/delayed for Wimbledum or any other sporting event!

Weekend afternoons would have movies on TV INSTEAD of golf, racing, basketball, etc.!

Men would be required to wear a feminine pad whenever their wives/girlfriends got their "monthly" visitor!

Men would be required to pee INSIDE the toilet; not around the toilet! Penalty would be the same as the dog who goes inside a house: RUB HIS NOSE IN IT!!!!

Automatic 3-day PMS leave. A win-win situation

"Mom-Spit" would be marketed as the next all purpose cleaner.

Women's public bathrooms would have 100 stalls so lines would be equal for men and women. Unfortunately, men's rooms would have to be as nasty as women's

There would be toilets just for men, with a bowl as big as a bath tub (and self cleaning)

This guy was deer hunting in North Carolina. He shoots a deer, and as he is dragging it back to his truck, he gets stopped by this redneck Game Warden who asks to see his hunting license. The hunter shows him the license, and is about to leave when the Game Warden says "Not so fast, Boy. I need to inspect the deer."

The Game Warden then reaches down, sticks his finger up the deer's butt, pulls it out then sniffs his finger.

The Game Warden gets angry then says "Wait a minute Boy! This here ain't no North Carolina deer; this here is a Virginia deer! You need to have a Virginia Hunting License to hunt this deer. You got a Virginia Hunting License on you Boy?"

Well, it just so happens that the guy had been hunting in Virginia the week before. He goes back into his wallet hand pulls out a Virginia Hunting License.

The Game Warden looks at the valid license and disappointingly says, "Well.... OK, I guess I'll have to let you go. I really do enjoy writing up Boys like you who hunt deer without a license, but you look like you got everything in order. So go on, get out of here."

The following week, the guy is hunting again. He shoots another deer and as he is dragging it back to his truck, he gets stopped by the same Game Warden who says "Just a minute Boy. I need to inspect the deer."

He reaches down, sticks his finger up the deer's butt, pulls it out, sniffs his finger and says, "Boy! This here is a South Carolina deer! You got a South Carolina Hunting License?"

The Hunter, somewhat surprised, said that he had one in the truck. He goes and gets it out of the glove box, shows it to the Game Warden, who again has to let him go.

So this goes on for the next three weeks. Each week the hunter shoots a deer; one from Georgia, Tennessee, and West Virginia. Each time the Game Warden stops to do the Finger Test, and each time the hunter is able to produce the correct license.

Finally, after the West Virginia deer, the Game Warden is furious, "Boy! You got a hunting license from every state in the south! Where the hell are you from, anyway?"

The hunter drops his pants, bends over and says "You tell me!"

All builders' quotes and time estimates are complete fiction.

2 1/2 hours north of Los Angeles.

In regard to the above flag:

Between the field where the flag is planted there are 9+ miles of flower fields that go all the way to the ocean. The flowers are grown by seed companies. It's a beautiful place close to Vandenberg AFB. Checkout the dimensions of the flag.

The 2002 Floral Flag is 740 feet long and 390 feet wide and maintains the proper Flag dimensions as described in Executive Order #10834. This Flag is 6.65 acres and is the first Floral Flag to be planted with 5 pointed Stars comprised of White Larkspur. Each Star is 24 feet in diameter; Each Stripe is 30 feet wide. This Flag is estimated to contain more than 400,000 Larkspur plants with 4-5 flower stems each for a total of more than 2 million flowers. You can drive by this flag on V Street south of Ocean Ave. in Lompoc, CA.

Our son Steve was cutting his lawn with a power mower when it slid down an embankment, lopping off a large chunk of his tennis shoe and badly nicking a toe on his left foot.

Days later, Steve was at home recuperating on the couch when his brother-in-law called. "I thought I'd bring over a couple of videos to help you pass the time."

"Hey, thanks," said Steve. "What are they?"

"THE LAWNMOWER MAN and MY LEFT FOOT."

You might be a redneck if…

You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.

Naturally everyone in the service hopes for promotion.
One of our instructors said, "Before any of you ask why I’ve been teaching this same course for 12 years, many years ago, I had an argument with an Admiral and I won!"

A high-school geometry teacher, started one lesson on triangles by reading a theorem. "If an angle is an exterior angle of a triangle, then its measure is greater than the measure of either of its corresponding remote interior angles."

He noticed that one student wasn't taking notes and asked him why.

"Well," he replied sincerely, "I'm waiting until you start speaking English."

Random Cartoon Title: Men Evolve