Saturday

MOODS OF A WOMAN

An angel of truth
and a dream of fiction,
a woman is a
bundle of contradiction,

she's afraid of a wasp,
will scream at a mouse,
but will tackle her boyfriend
alone in the house.

Sour as vinegar,
sweet as a rose,
she'll kiss you one minute,
then turn up her nose,

she'll win you in range,
enchant you in silk,
she'll be stronger than brandy,
milder than milk

at times she'll be vengeful,
merry and sad,
she'll hate you like poison,
and love you like mad!

MOODS OF A MAN

Horny.

Why does Los Angeles have the largest number of lawyers and New Jersey the largest number of landfill sites? New Jersey got first pick.

If a tall, skinny lawyer and a short, fat lawyer jumped off the Empire State Building, who'd land first? Who cares?

After being accused of assault and battery, Sonny said to the attorney, "I've got a half-million bucks. Can you get me off?" "You have my word," said the attorney, "you will never to go jail with that much money."

In America what's the difference between a jury and a defendant? At night they lock up the jury and let the defendant go home.

"Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease!"

To Err Is Human
To Err Is Human, To Forgive Divine.
To err is human, to purr feline.
To err is human, two curs canine.
To err is human, to do nothing, benign.
To err is human, to quit, resign.
To err is human, to howl about it, lupine.
To err is human, to solve it, design.
To err is human, to admit it, asinine.
To err is human, to moo bovine.

When Rod's wife ran away he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist. Rod told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, "Life isn't worth living."

"Don't be stupid, Rod," said the psychiatrist. "Let work be your salvation. I want you to totally submerge yourself in your work. Now, What do you do for a living?"

"I clean out septic tanks." Rod replied.

You might be a redneck if…

You've ever been too drunk to fish.

To my darling Husband,

I am sending you this e-mail from a bogus software company address so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives two years ago.

The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project. All the figures were good but yours was excellent! The chair and the back of your head are very realistic. You would be very proud of him.

Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with her on her birthday. What a grand day for Jen, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.

I am also doing well. I went blond about a year ago and was delighted to discover that it really is more fun! Lars, I mean Mr. Swenson, the department head, has taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all.

I have discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you don't mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last Spring. I'm not sure if you noticed it. I made sure the painters cut air holes in the drop cloth so you wouldn't be disturbed.

Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle Lars, Mr. Swenson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there will be packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away. She'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup, and bring meals to your desk, - just the way you like it. I hope you and the PC have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jen and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.

Love, Mary (Your Wife)

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God... "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man', Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster and more muscular than you. He'll also need your advice to think properly. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about, hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"

"Yeah, well.... you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."