Monday

Where To Place THIS Group of Interviewees:

If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they're destined for the Help Desk.

If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs, put them into Purchasing.

If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests, Public Relations would suit them well.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documents team.

If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

A German husband and wife were sent to sex therapy after admitting to doctors at a fertility clinic that they had never made love. The husband, 36, and his wife, 32, thought all they had to do to make a baby was to lie next to each other and something would happen.

When nothing besides sleep happened, they saved $12,460 and went to an in-vitro fertilization clinic at the University of Luebeck in Germany. "We're not talking about retards here, but a couple who were brought up in a strict religious environment who simply did not know how babies were created," said a clinic spokesman. "It was only after they were subjected to a battery of tests and both were found to be perfectly fertile that we asked them how often they had sex.

"The husband said, 'We're not exactly sure what you mean.'"

The couple are now in a sexual therapy course.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

My wife asked me to help one of our neighbors, a young mother whose sailor husband was at sea. Her car had to have a freeze plug replaced, a job that took two days.

Then I discovered that the battery was dead, and the starter was shot, so I fixed those too.

Days later, I proudly handed the woman her keys saying, "Now your car is good for many more miles."

"Thanks," she said. "All I care is that it runs long enough to make it to the dealer. I'm trading it in tomorrow."

As a trail guide in a national park, I ate with the rest of the seasonal staff in a rustic dining hall, where the food left something to be desired. When we were finished with our meals, we scraped the remains into a garbage pail and stacked our plates for the dishwasher.
One worker, apparently not too happy after his first week on the job, was ahead of me in line. As he slopped an uneaten plate of food into the garbage, I heard him mutter, "Now STAY there this time."

You might be a redneck if…

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Bizarre Holidays in May

May 1 is National Bubba Day

May 3 is Doo Dah Day

May 8 is No Socks Day.

May 11 is Eat What You Want Day.

May 16 is Biographer's Day.

May 18 is Visit Your Relatives Day.

May 21 is I Need a Patch For That Day.

May 23 is Morning Radio Wise Guy Day.

May 24 is International Jazz Day.

May 30 is Hug Your Cat Day.

May 31 is What You Think Upon Grows Day.

A magician was hired by a cruise line. Every night the Captain was in the front row watching the show with his parrot on his shoulder. After several nights the parrot caught on to the act and began to heckle the magician. He would yell things like, "its up his sleeve" or "its in his hat" and even "his assistant has it"

That very night the boat hit an iceberg and sunk. The magician woke the next morning floating on a piece of wreckage. He looked around and there on the edge of the wreckage was the parrot.

For 2 days they just stared at each other, neither saying a word. Finally the parrot says "ok, I give up. Where's the boat?"