Tuesday

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Jerry's at the urinal in an airport rest room when a guy with no arms sidles up next to him and pleads, "Hey buddy -- can you help me out here?"

Though he feels uneasy, he considers the guy's predicament and decides to help. He bravely unzips the man, takes a deep breath, reaches in and pulls out the guy's penis.

Much to his horror, it is hideous! It's moldy and bluish green, covered with pus-filled scabs, and it reeks something awful. Imagining the kudos he'll get on Judgment Day for this selfless good deed, Jerry holds the man's unit while he finishes urinating, shakes it, then puts it back in the man's pants and zips him up.

The guy tells Jerry, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."

"No problem," says Jerry. "But I gotta ask - What the hell's wrong with your johnson?"

The guy pokes his arms back out of his sleeves and says, "I don't know, but I sure as hell ain't touching it."

Clairvoyants meeting canceled due to unforeseen events.

Generation gap

IT man is teaching a course in computer literacy at a local community college.

"I was discussing the operation of the earliest mainframes," he says, "when a student raises her hand and sheepishly asks how a vacuum tube could be used as a switch."

The man, who used to be an electronics hobbyist, quickly sketches a schematic drawing that shows a tube's anode-cathode grid configuration, as he simultaneously gives a general explanation of an electron cloud, just in case that was necessary.

"Still no understanding," says he.

So he puts it more simply. And more simply still. And finally zeroes in on the problem.

"Her understanding of 'vacuum tube' was strictly focused on that silver thing sitting at the end of the hose she uses for cleaning her drapes," he sighs.

"He now shows a picture of a vacuum tube at the beginning of this discussion."

Dear Friend: Just a line to say I'm living...
That I'm not among the dead,
Though I'm getting more forgetful
And mixed up in the head.
I got used to my arthritis,
To my dentures I'm resigned,
I can manage my bifocals,
But Lord... how I miss my mind!!!
Sometimes I can't remember
When I stand at the foot of the stairs.
If I must go up for something...
Or if I've just come down from there,
I stand before the fridge at times,
My poor mind filled with doubt,
Have I come to put food away,
Or come to take some out?
There are times when it is dark out,
And with my nightcap on my head,
I don't know if I'm retiring...
Or just getting out of bed.
So if it's my turn to write you,
There's no need for getting sore,
I may think that I have written
And don't want to be a bore.
I do know that I miss you
And wish that you were near.
And now it's nearly mail time
So I must say goodbye, my dear.
Now I'm standing beside the mail box
With a face so red,
Instead of mailing you my letter ...
I have opened it instead!!!
~Author Unknown~

You might be a redneck if…

The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot.
The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says: "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars".

"Why does the parrot cost so much?" the customer asks.
The owner says, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."

The customer asks about the next parrot and is told "That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system."

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told "That one costs 2,000 dollars."
Needless to say this begs the question "What can IT do?"

To which the owner replies "To be honest I have never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!"

One night at an economy motel, I ordered a 6 a.m. wake-up call. The next morning, I awoke before 6, but the phone did not ring until 6:30. "Good morning," a young man said sheepishly. "This is your wake-up call."

Annoyed, I let the hotel worker have it. "You were supposed to call me at 6!: I complained. "What if I had a million-dollar deal to close this morning, and your oversight made me miss out on it?"

"Well, sir," the desk clerk quickly replied, "if you had a million- dollar deal to close, you wouldn't be staying in this motel!"