Friday

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.

The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"

The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."

The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "How do you start a flood?

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol. Aunt Carol was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'til the blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Carol when she's been drinking."

Income Tax: Capital punishment.

Michael Johnson, the Olympic Gold Medal runner, was on his way to a club with some friends.

At the door, the bouncer turned to him and said "Sorry, mate, you can't come in here -- no jeans."

Michael, quite annoyed at this, retorted, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Michael Johnson."

"Well, then," the bouncer replied, "it won't take you long to run home and change, will it?"

There was a man in a hospital who thought that he would die. So he asks the beautiful nurse to accomplish his last wish. Nurse he says, "I want to kiss the head of Nikita Kruschev." (you know, a president of the ex USSR who was fat and had no hair on his head).

"Nikita Kruschev? But he is dead for a long time."

"I don't care I want to kiss his head," the man says. "This is my last wish!"

The nurse didn't know what to do. Then she thought of something. As the man did not wear his glasses the nurse takes her beautiful breasts out of her bra and offers the left one to the man. He holds it, caresses it and very moved.

He said, "Oh my dear Nikita, my old friend!! How happy I am to see you again!"

He was kissing her left tit so warmly that the nurse started liking the whole situation. She asks the man, "What about kissing president Eisenhower's head."

"Yes!! Is he here too?"

"Of course he is here," she says, and offers him her right tit.

"Oh my dear president how happy I am to see you here," said the man, kissing again and again, "Eisenhower."

The nurse liked all that very very much; and started to feel her privates getting moist; so she asks the man, "What about Fidel Castro?"

You might be a redneck if…

You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.

This woman was talking to her friend when she got back from her recent trip to Spokane, Washington. Her friend asked her how she liked Spokane.
She answered, "I don't know, I never got there."
So the friend says, "You never got there... what do you mean?"
She answers, "You know me, I have to stop at every rest area and they all say 'clean bathrooms', well. . . it takes longer than you think!"

Poem for women

He didn't like the casserole,
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right,
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer,
I was looking for a clue;
Then I turned around and smacked him...
Like his Mother used to do.

Random Cartoon Title: Broken Brakes