Thursday

Washington and his men had just finished a big battle and were tired and wounded. They were walking for miles looking for a place to stay when they came upon this very small broken down shack.

Washington asked the man who answered the door if he had room to help some of his men as they were tired and sick.. The man said, "As you see, I only have room for one man."

So Washington picked out his most wounded man, Private Cox, to stay there. Then he left with the rest of his men looking for another place.

After walking for several miles more, they finally saw this big beautiful mansion on a hill and proceeded to the mansion. Washington rang the bell and a beautiful woman came to the door, and asked him what he wanted. Washington explained that he had just fought a terrible battle and that some of his men were wounded and that they were all tired and needed some shelter and a place to rest.

The Madam explained that the place was actually a bordello, but that they would be happy to take in him and his men. In fact, she was excited about it. She said, "how many men do you have?

Washington answered, "About 99 men without Cox."

Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.

Q: How many shipping department personnel does it take to change a light bulb?

A: We can change the light bulb in seven to ten working days, but if you call before 2 p.m. and pay an extra $15, we can get the bulb changed overnight.

Q: How many Management Information Services guys does it take to change a light bulb?

A: MIS (IT) has received your request concerning your hardware problem and has assigned you request number 359712. Please use this number for any future references to the light-bulb issue.

Lexuses or Lexi? It's like the man who wanted to buy two mongoose. Or is it mongeese? Or mongooses? He finally said, "Send me a mongoose,

I have a 4 year old son and a 3 month old daughter. A couple weeks ago we were in a waiting room waiting for my mother in law and the receptionist was talking to my son. She asked him if he helped change his sister’s diapers. He responded, "No, they're yucky, Mommy does that."
Not the funniest thing, but then she asked him if he helped feed his sister, to which my son replied in his best 'duh' tone, "No, I don't have boobies!" At which point the receptionist nearly fell out of her chair.

Two matronly ladies were sitting in a pew at Easter Mass. As the sermon was quite long, one of them said to the other, "I think my butt fell asleep."

The other replied, "I know, I heard it snore a couple times."

You might be a redneck if…

You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.

What's dumb?
Directions on toilet paper.

What's dumber than that?
Reading them.

Even dumber?
Reading them and learning something.

Dumbest of all?
Reading them and having to correct something you've been doing wrong.

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass and asked, "What's that one?"

"Colorado, the most glorious place on Earth. There's beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and exquisite grasslands. The people from Colorado are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hardworking and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. They will be admired by all who come across them."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the loudmouth, whiney-assed, arrogant, piss-ants I'm putting in Texas! ''