Friday

When the employees of a restaurant attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official demonstrate the proper way to operate an extinguisher.

"Pull the pin like a hand grenade," he explained, "then depress the trigger to release the foam."

Later an employee was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the pin.

The instructor hinted, "Like a hand grenade, remember?"

In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin .... and hurled the extinguisher at the blaze.

I have said Santa's reindeer are female. Here's a rebuttal:

OK, I don't know where to start. C'mon, this is a sexist joke perpetrated by those who would have us believe they are not sexist. I'll try to find a place to start.

Hmm. Listen up. Alaska has no native reindeer, as they come from Asia and Europe. Although Alaska has some reindeer farms, they are privately owned and Alaska Fish Game would have little to do with them. Now, let's assume Santa is a competent breeder of reindeer. Breeding season runs roughly from the middle of September to the middle of January and often is called simply 'rut'. Breeding males in rut would not be used to pull a sleigh at Christmas for three reasons needed for breeding season; not in prime health because of the rigors of chasing females; and not trustworthy during personality change caused by rut.

Similarly, breeding females would not be used to pull a sleigh because they need to be in prime health for breeding.

If Santa can't use breeding males or breeding females to pull his sleigh at Christmas, what's left?

Ah, the true answer, verified by checking with my reindeer farming neighbors and buddies, is ... steers geldings!

Reindeer steers have antlers at Christmas, do not change personality significantly during rut, and are not needed for breeding.

There you have it. Santa's reindeer are males .. or at least they were.

I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is improving.

(No animals were hurt in making this joke!)
Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. "Doctor," he said, "I need you to cut off my dog's tail."
The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?"
"Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."

A motorcycle enthusiast complained that he couldn't decide whether to buy a bike with high top speed and poor acceleration, or one with lots of torque and fast acceleration, but a poor top speed.

Eventually he decided on the second one, because it cost a lot less. After all, torque is cheep!

You might be a redneck if…

You haul more than U-Haul.

Four insurance companies are in competition. One comes up with the slogan,

"Coverage from the cradle to the grave."

The second one tries to improve on that with,

"Coverage from the womb to the tomb."

Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with,

"From the sperm to the worm."

The fourth insurance company really thought hard and almost gave up the race, but finally came up with,

"From the erection to the resurrection."

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but, farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy and takes the rooster home. He then sets him down in the barnyard and gives the rooster a pep talk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. "So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer ended with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Randy took off like a shot.

WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.

After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there.

Later, the farmer sees Randy after the flock of geese down by the lake. Once again, WHAM! He gets all the geese.

By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught -- worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob -- stone cold in the middle of the yard and buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "SHHHH, they're getting closer..."