Saturday

One day Little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday.

Little Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle??? Wait until Christmas!"

Christmas came around, and Little Johnny asked again.

The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry kiddo. Ask me again some other time."

Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.

Little Johnny said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were 'pulling out,' and Mommy said that 'you should wait because she was coming, too....'

"And I'll be DAMNED if I'm gonna be stuck with your $80,000 mortgage!"

My brother Scott brought over a photo album of his camping trip. One picture showed a brown bear helping itself to his food. "What kind of bear is that?" I asked.

"It's called a Kodiak," Scott replied.

"Oh, yeah?" my husband Keith shot back. "And I suppose those white ones in the Arctic are called Polaroids."

September is... National Bed Check Month

A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service.

After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation.

For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married.

"Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he requested.

Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.

My sister has the courage, but not always the skills, to tackle any home repair project.

For example, in her garage are pieces of a lawnmower she once tried to fix. So I wasn't surprised the day my other sister, Pam, and I found our sister attacking her vacuum cleaner with a screwdriver.

"I can't get this thing to cooperate," she explained when she saw us.

Pam suggested, "Why don't you drag it out to the garage and show it the lawnmower?"

You might be a redneck if…

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

On Tuesday, December 12th, I said Santa's reindeer are female. Here's a rebuttal:

OK, I don't know where to start. C'mon, this is a sexist joke perpetrated by those who would have us believe they are not sexist. I'll try to find a place to start. Hmm.

Listen up. Alaska has no native reindeer, as they come from Asia and Europe. Although Alaska has some reindeer farms, they are privately owned and Alaska Fish&Game would have little to do with them. Now, let's assume Santa is a competent breeder of reindeer. Breeding season runs roughly from the middle of September to the middle of January and often is called simply 'rut'. Breeding males in rut would not be used to pull a sleigh at Christmas for three reasons needed for breeding season; not in prime health because of the rigors of chasing females; and not trustworthy during personality change caused by rut.

Similarly, breeding females would not be used to pull a sleigh because they need to be in prime health for breeding.

If Santa can't use breeding males or breeding females to pull his sleigh at Christmas, what's left?

Ah, the true answer, verified by checking with my reindeer farming neighbors and buddies, is ... steers [geldings]!

Reindeer steers have antlers at Christmas, do not change personality significantly during rut, and are not needed for breeding.

There you have it. Santa's reindeer are males .. or at least they were.

Are You A TRUE Elementary School Teacher? Let's Find Out:

1. Do you ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and mittens as they leave your home?

2. Do you move your dinner partner's glass away from the edge of the table?

3. Do you ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as you enter a theater with a group of friends?

4. Do you hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes?

5. Do you refer to happy hour as "snack time"?

6. Do you declare "no cuts" when a shopper squeezes ahead of you in a checkout line?

7. Do you say "I like the way you did that" to the mechanic who repairs your car nice?

8. Do you ask "Are you sure you did your best?" to the mechanic who fails to repair your car to your satisfaction?

9. Do you sing the "Alphabet Song" to yourself as you look up a number in the phone book?

10. Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat everything?

11. Do you fold your spouse's fingers over the coins as you hand him/her the money at a tollbooth?

12. Do you ask a quiet person at a party if he has something to share with the group?