Wednesday

On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's a kind of tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." Again God agreed.

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span." Monkey said," How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten the dog gave back, and the ten the monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs. He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle." "OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"

"A fottle, replies the inventor."

"A fottle? That's a stupid! Can't you think of something else?"

"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."

"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.

"A farton," replies the inventor.

"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!"

"In that case," says the inventor... "You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."

"A college jock is someone who minds his build instead of vice versa!"

A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced "a typical Texas" baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard. One woman faints due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar.

The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, concerned, "Why? What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth!"

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "...had him circumcised."

Men are like....

1. Men are like ........Laxatives ...... They irritate the shit out of you.
2. Men are like .......Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like .Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like .Blenders .... You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like .Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ....Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like ..Department Stores. Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like .......Government Bonds ..... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ......Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like ..Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like .... Snowstorms. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like .......Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots ....... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Now send this to all the remarkable women you know, as well as to any understanding good-natured, fun kinda guys you might be lucky enough to know !!!!!!!!!!

You might be a redneck if…

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

Riding a power mower while doing grounds maintenance work in Southern California, I usually wear several items to protect myself, including safety glasses, dust mask, and cowboy hat. One day as I walked into our shop at lunchtime, a co-worker called out, "Look! It's the Lawn Ranger!"

ONE MORNING my son came down to breakfast looking especially handsome in a color-coordinated outfit. Just one thing was wrong -- his collar was twisted.

"You look great," I said, reaching to straighten his collar.

"No, Mom, please don't," he said. "I just fixed it that way. When I see a certain person in history class, she will arrange it for me."

Random Cartoon Title: Coffee Cup Art 11