Thursday

A farmer buys a cute little filly that he plans on racing next season, but when gets her home, his old stallion smells her and wants her and starts kicking up dust.

The farmer doesn't want her knocked up, because she won't be able to race, so he calls the vet. The vet tells him to tie a bed sheet around the filly's rump to keep the stallion away.

So, that day, the farmer does just that.

The next day, the farmer goes out to the corral to make sure the vet's solution worked, but the filly's nowhere to be found. The farmer follows her hoof trail to the neighbor's farm and sees the neighbor' kid out by their barn.

"Hey boy, did you see a filly run by with a bed sheet tied around her rump?" the farmer asks.

The kid replies, "No sir, but one dashed past here early this morning with a handkerchief sticking out of her butt!!"

One day during cooking class, the teacher, Mrs. Pritchard, was extolling her secrets for preparing perfect sauces. When she ordered us to the stoves to prepare our assignments, she said, "Don't forget to use wooden spoons."

As I stirred my sauce, I contemplated the physics behind the mystery of the wooden spoon and decided it must have something to do with heat conduction.

I approached Mrs. Pritchard to test my theory. "Why wooden spoons?" I asked.

"Because," she replied, "if I have to sit here listening to all your metal spoons banging against metal pots, I'd go nuts."

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

CANBERRA, Australia - Couples in Australia now have a nice incentive to have children - 2,000 bucks for every baby born after June. Peter Costello, the treasurer of the country, said that two children per couple in a nation of 20 million just isn't enough to sustain growth. He said it is the "patriotic duty" of couples to have at least three children. The initiative will be up for grabs for the next five years. "You should have ... one for your husband, one for your wife, and one for your country," Costello said. Some couples might have to go even further and have extra children "for your country" to accommodate for the gap left by those "who are not even replicating themselves."

The father of three ended the news conference by telling reporters, "You go home and do your patriotic duty tonight."

Some people are pessimists,
they think the glass is half empty.
Some people are optimists,
they think the glass is half full.
I am a realist,
I know that sooner or later,
I am going to have
to wash that damned thing!

You might be a redneck if…

The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.

Our group was third in line behind two other foursomes at the golf course. A young man in the first group walloped his tee shot straight down the middle of the 410-yard fairway to within a few feet of the green.
"Wow," said an older man in the foursome. "I don't even go that far on vacation."

Bizarre Insurance Claims

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother- in-law and headed over the embankment.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.