Friday

Did you hear about the 55 whales who beached themselves on the shore of the Florida Keys?

Officials have acknowledged only 54 actually washed ashore, apologizing to Senator Ted Kennedy who was sunbathing at the time.

Pranksters answer call to annoy judge
Friday, September 26, 2003
Julie E. Bisbee ASSOCIATED PRESS

U.S. District Judge Lee R. West's phones rang off the hook yesterday, after Jay Leno and other talk-show hosts urged angry citizens to call him.

OKLAHOMA CITY - Now he knows how they feel. U.S. District Judge Lee R. West's telephone has not stopped ringing since he sided with telemarketers seeking to block the national do-not-call list.

Egged on by talk-show hosts and Web sites, people have flooded West's office and home with calls and faxes. "They are just calling to tie up our lines," said Rick Wade, operations manager at the district clerk's office. "They just keep calling to harass us, like the telemarketers harass them, I guess."

The phones at the federal courthouse were jammed yesterday and voice-mail boxes were stuffed with messages berating West's ruling that the Federal Trade Commission lacked authority to create and operate the registry. West's home and office telephone numbers were posted on the Internet, and angry consumers were encouraged to call. Calls to West's home seeking comment were blocked by busy signals.

The ruling even made late-night television talk-show host Jay Leno's monologue Wednesday night. "The judge says the telemarketers can call you whenever they want," Leno said. "You know what we should do? Let's all call this judge tonight at home during dinner."

Barbie is a college graduate. She attended a generic educational institution called State College.

A farmer walked into a drug store and said to the Pharmacist, "I want me one of them thar condoms with pesticides on it. Where do I find 'em?"

The pharmacist replied, "Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms with SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They're on aisle 4."

"No, no, I want me them thar condoms with PESTICIDE on it," growled the farmer.

"Sir," said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining, "PESTICIDE is for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm. I'm sure that you mean spermicide instead of pesticide."

"Listen here," argued the farmer, "I want condoms with PESTICIDE on them. My wife's got a bug up her ass, and I aim to kill it!"

When I first moved to San Francisco it was foggy, rainy, and cold. At first I thought it's sort of romantic, I'll break up an old chair for kindling, buy a bottle of wine, and sit in front of the fire for the day. Two months later. . . a hopeless alcoholic, with no furniture. - Paula Poundstone

You might be a redneck if…

The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.

On a military training exercise, the British divisional command radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when breaking the silence a voice asked over the air... "Are there any friendly bears listening?"

After a moment, another voice replied... "Yes, I'm a friendly bear," and then another voice...

"I'm a friendly bear too!"

At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his microphone and let loose a blistering tirade at the operators for fooling around on an important radio link. When he had finished, there was silence for about ten seconds.

Then a small voice said, "You're not a very friendly bear, are you?"

When the wise company president learned that his employees were tanking up on no-trace vodka martinis during their lunch hours, he issued the following memo:

To all employees; If you must drink during your lunch hour, please drink whiskey. It is better for our customers to know you're drunk than to think you're stupid.