Saturday

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Jon looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"

They draw straws. Amanpreet, who is always a loser, picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.

"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."

Amanpreet walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.

Amanpreet says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."

She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"

Preet replies, "I'll tell him."

These are purportedly from actual military "squawk sheets." Squawk sheets are maintenance forms filed by the flight crews "to inform the maintenance crews of problems" with the aircraft.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution 1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Solution 2: "#1,#3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on order.

Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That's what they're there for.

Problem: Cockpit is infested with little white spiders
Solution: stomp and squish as required

To err is human, to moo, bovine.

A noted biologist, who had been studying little green frogs in a swamp, was stumped. The frog population, despite efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate.

A chemist at a nearby college came up with a solution: The frogs, due to a chemical change in the swamp water, simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce successfully. The chemist then brewed up a new adhesive to assist the frogs' togetherness, which included one part sodium.

It seems the little green frogs needed some monosodium glue to mate.

"There are three words in English ending in -gry. I only know hungry and angry. Please tell me what the third one is."

You might be a redneck if…

You list your parole officer as a reference.

The Jackson police were searching for a man they suspected of a string of burglaries. They had six photographs of the man, all taken in different locations and from different angles. They sent fax copies of these pictures to police departments all over the country.

Several days later, Jackson received a fax report from the police chief in a small town in West Virginia. The memo read, "We immediately went to work on those six pictures you sent. We've arrested five of the suspects, and we have the sixth under observation right now."

A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl, "Nothing but the best for my little kitten."

"The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store.

They sold her the cat food.

The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog biscuits one for each day of Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food.

Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog.

She was then given the dog cookies.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.

The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her.

So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like crap."

The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, "Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?"

MORAL: Never fool around with little old ladies!