Tuesday

As the passengers settled in on a West Coast commuter flight a flight attendant announced, "We'd like you folks to help us welcome our new co-pilot. He'll be performing his first commercial landing for us today, so be sure to give him a big round of applause when we come to a stop."

The plane made an extremely bumpy landing, bouncing hard two or three times before taxiing to a stop. Still, the passengers applauded. Then the attendant's voice came over the intercom, "Thanks for flying with us. And don't forget to let our co-pilot know which landing you liked best."

Why Women Rule

Every day I give thanks to the Goddess
I have two mounds upon my bodice
I shave my legs, I sit down to pee
I can justify any shopping spree
Not to a barber, but a beauty salon
Can get a massage without a hard on

Can balance the checkbook, pump my own gas
Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass
I always save money by using coupons
Can admit to others when I am wrong

Don't drive in circles at any cost
So I don't have to admit when I am lost
Don't act like I'm in a timed marathon
Every time I go to the john

Let me tell you men
Listen to me boys
Those things in your pants
That you treat as toys
You love them more then we ever will
We would rather suck on a cold pickled dill

I spend two hours preparing for a date
Only to find you're two hours late
I don't watch movies with lots of gore
Don't need instant replay to remember the score

I won't lose my hair
I don't get jock itch
And just cause I'm assertive
Don't call me a bitch

I don't wear the same underwear everyday
The food in my fridge has no sign of decay
I don't go to Sears
To look at the tools
I don't cheat at poker
I follow the rules

I don't read magazines about cars
Don't pay for drinks at bars
I don't punch my friends just to say "Hi"
And it's ok for me to cry

I know all you men
Think that you're "IT"
But compared to a woman
You just ain't SHIT!

Why won't melons elope in Las Vegas? They cantaloupe.

One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look. Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door.

"Excuse me," the man stammered, "But I couldn't help but notice how beautiful your wife is."

"Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied.

"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts."

The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside.

"OK," the husband says gruffly, "For ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's breasts."

At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed.

"Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growls.

"I can't," replies our awe-struck man, still nuzzling away.

"Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now.

"I don't have ten thousand dollars."

Seamus walked into O'Malley's bar one evening, as was his wont most evenings. As he pulled up his customary stool, Sean O'Malley was topping off his customary pint.

But just as Sean placed the beer on the bar, a fellow climbed onto a dais behind Sean and began reciting in a Very Loud Voice: "There shall be no fisticuffs." "No patron shall be served more than two drinks at one time." "No Smoking. By order of the City of New York." "Management reserves the right..."

As the voice droned on, Seamus motioned Sean over. "What's with the grandstanding back there?"

Sean answered, "I was watching TV the other night. There was some news thing about how business really improves when you do this. I haven't figured out how he's going to help me with my inventory yet, but give me a few days."

Seamus said, "But what IS he DOING?"

Came the reply, "He's my new Bar Code Reader."

You might be a redneck if…

The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.

A man is going to work one day and accidentally slams his penis in the car door. He goes to the doctor, and the doctor says, "We're going to have to put a splint on that."

The guy says, "No way Doc, I'm getting married in a week."

The Doc replies "Well if we don't, it's going to be bent for the rest of your life."

Finally the guy agrees, and the doctor gets out a couple of tongue depressors and some tape and fixes him up.

...A week later, and he's on his honeymoon...

His new wife is doing a slow, seductive strip-tease in front of him. She takes off her bra and says, "See these, they've never been touched by a man before." She then takes off her panties and says, "See this, it's never been seen by a man before."

So the husband whips off his shorts and says, "See this, it's not even out of the crate yet!"

AN EXTERMINATING COMPANY was giving free termite inspections, and my dad phoned for an appointment. After the inspector checked out our house, he said to Dad, "You don't have any termites right now, but there's a bunch of 'em in that firewood out back. When they've eaten their way through it, I guarantee they'll head for your house."

Dad was silent for a moment. Then, in his slow drawl, he replied, "Well, from the prices you quoted, I figure it would be cheaper for me just to buy the termites another cord of wood."