In loving memory of Tom Hogg, 1943–2023
MoFunny for
January 12, 2027
How do they get the "Ms" on the M&M Candy?
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Often we can achieve an even better result when we stumble yet are willing to start over, when we don't give up after a mistake, when something doesn't come easily but we throw ourselves into trying, when we're not afraid to appear less than perfectly polished. -- Sharon Salzberg, O Magazine, The Power of Intention, January 2004
Catholics and Communists have committed great crimes, but at least they have not stood aside, like an established society, and been indifferent. I would rather have blood on my hands than water like Pilate if you have abandoned one faith, do not abandon all faith. There is always an alternative to the faith we lose. Or is it the same faith under another name? - Graham Greene
If one is lucky, a solitary fantasy can totally transform one million realities. - Maya Angelou
During the reign of Rome's first emperor, Caesar Augustus, what was then the sixth month of the year (Sextillis), was renamed in his honor. He considered it his lucky month.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz met as co-stars of the 1940 movie TOO MANY GIRLS
How much energy does it take to power the low battery sign on your pager/phone?
Every morning during our coffee break, my co-workers and I listened to the culinary disasters of a newlywed colleague. We then tried to share some helpful hints and recipes.
One day she asked us for step-by-step instructions on cooking sweet potatoes, one of her husband's favorites. "I've finally been able to make them sweet," she said, "but how do you make them orange?"
"And what was the culmination of events that led you to file this action," asked the man's attorney in the divorce hearing.
"All through our marriage my wife was less than fully responsive to my sexual initiatives," replied the husband, "but the clincher came one morning at the breakfast table."
"Why? What happened?"
"She announced, 'Just so you don't get your hopes up, I'm already beginning to get a headache.'"
A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
A couple were in line at a theme park when they noticed two teenagers in front of them, passionately hugging and kissing. They didn't even come up for air when the line moved.
As they waited, their displays of affection became more and more embarrassing.
Finally one park employee approached them and said, "Hey, kids, this is a place to BRING your families, not HAVE them."
The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's (2003) winners:
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray painted very, very high.
7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
You might be a redneck if…
redneck too!)
Some Bizarre August Holidays
August 5 is National Mustard Day
August 6 is Wiggle Your Toes Day
August 8 is Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor's Porch Night
August 12 is Middle Child's Day
August 13 is Blame Someone Else Day
August 17 is National Thriftshop Day
August 22 is Be An Angel Day
August 25 is Kiss-And-Make-Up Day
August 28 is World Sauntering Day
August 29 is More Herbs, Less Salt Day
A man is lost in the desert. He used up the last of his water three days ago and he's lying, gasping, on the sand, when in the distance he suddenly hears a voice calling "Mush! Mush!"
Not trusting his ears he turns his head and there it is again, closer this time -- "Mush! Mush!"
Propping himself up on one elbow he squints against the sun and sees, of all things, an Eskimo in a fur coat driving a sled with a team of huskies across the dunes. Thinking that it's a hallucination, he blinks and shakes his head, but it's for real! He painfully lifts one arm and in a cracked voice calls, "He-elp!"
The Eskimo pulls the sled up by him, the huskies panting in the heat, and he says to the Eskimo, "I don't know what you're doing here, or why, but thank God you are! I've been wandering around this desert for days, my water's all gone and I'm completely lost!"
The perspiring Eskimo looks down at him and says, "You think YOU'RE lost!"
How do they get the "Ms" on the M&M Candy?
A conveyor printing press is used to print the tiny white M's on each M&M candy. Because the peanut sizes vary, the press must be always adjusted to prevent smashing the peanuts in peanut M&Ms. Regular M&Ms, all the same size, are much easier to send through the printer.