Thursday

As an assistant professor, I taught during the day and did research at night. I would usually take a break around eight, however, to play the strategy game Warcraft online with a teammate.
One night I was paired with a veteran of the game who was a master strategist. With him at the helm, our troops crushed one opponent after another, and after six games we were undefeated. Suddenly, my fearless leader informed me his mom wanted him to go to bed.
"How old are you?" I typed.
"Twelve," he replied. "How old are you?"
Feeling my face redden, I answered, "Ten."

George goes to the Birth Registration Office to register his newborn son.

The man behind the counter asks the name he wants to give to the boy, and the father replies: "Euro."

The man says that such a name is not acceptable, because it's a currency.

Says George: "What? There weren't any objections when I called my first two sons Mark and Frank."

What would chairs look like if our legs bent the other way?

The Governor made room on his busy calendar to hear the pleas of one Mrs. Smith that her husband be released from the state penitentiary. "What was he sentenced for?" asked the Governor gently.

"For stealing a loaf of bread," nervously replied the offender's wife.

"Is he a good husband?"

"No," she replied frankly, blushing a bit. "He beats me when he gets drunk, he bullies our children, he's unfaithful, and really not much good at all."

"It sounds to me as though you're better off without him," said the Governor. "Why on earth do you want him out of jail?"

"Well," she explained, "we're out of bread again."

Some friends were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know....
Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful; Intelligent; Ecologist."

The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know....Double Income, No Kids."

The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know...Rich, Urban, Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?"

She replies: "I'm a W.I.F.E, you now....Wash, Iron, F***, Etc."

A second gal answers their question before they even ask it:

"B.I.T.C.H."

"So, just exactly what is a B.I.T.C.H?" they ask in unison.

* B - BABE
* I - IN
* T - TOTAL
* C - CONTROL of
* H - HERSELF

So ladies, next time somebody calls you "Bitch"...SMILE......and say Thank You!

You might be a redneck if…

Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.

An elderly couple are vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into their room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Bessie?"

Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

Sam says excitedly "Come on Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks again, "Nope."

Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different?"

Bessie looks up and says "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Sam yells, "And do you know why it is hanging down, Bessie? It's hanging down because its looking at my new boots!!!"

Bessie replies "Should'a bought a hat, Sam."

Starkle, starkle, little twink,
who the hell are you I think?
I'm not under what you call the alcofluence of incohol.
I'm just a little slort of sheep,
I'm not drunk like thinkle peep.
I don't know who is me yet,
but the drunker I stand here,
the longer I get.
So, just give me one more fink to drill my cup, cause I got all day sober to Sunday up.