Friday

After trying a new shampoo for the first time, Morris mailed off an enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer.

Several weeks later he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the same company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper items....with a " thank you " note from the manufacturer.

"Vell, vatta ya t'ink?" asked his smiling wife, Ruth.

"I t'ink Next time," Morris replied. "I'm writing to General Motors."

As a court clerk, I am well-versed in the jury-selection process. First a computer randomly selects a few hundred citizens from the entire county to report for jury duty on a particular day. Then another computer assigns 40 of those present to a courtroom. Then the 40 names are placed into a drum, and a dozen names are pulled.

During jury selection for one trial, the judge asked potential Juror No. 1 if there was any reason he could not be a fair and impartial juror.

"There may be," he replied. "Juror No. 12 is my ex-wife, and if we were on the same jury, I guarantee we would not be able to agree on anything."

Both were excused.

September 13 is... Defy Superstition Day

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals.

The big animals were crushing little animals and at half time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball.

The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain.

The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain.

On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"

"I did" said the centipede.

"Who stopped the rhino?"

"Uh, that was me too" said the centipede.

"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"

"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.

"So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach.

"Well" said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."

A guy wakes up one morning after a night of heavy drinking and goes to the bathroom to take a piss. He looks down and sees two rings on his dick, a brown one near the base, and a bright red on about an inch up. Not knowing what they are and not remembering what happened the previous night he goes to the doctor.

The doctor looks at him and says, "Well, I got good news and I got bad news. Which do you want first?"

"Give me the good news first." the guy nervously replies.

"The good news is the red ring is lipstick."

"Whew, that's a relief. What's the bad news?"

"The brown ring is chewing tobacco."

You might be a redneck if…

You think a 'cursor' is someone who swears a lot.

My nephew, who has just started the first grade, was asked to memorize the Ten Commandments.

Upon reciting the commandment, "Thou shalt not commit adultery," he was asked what this commandment meant.

With absolute seriousness he replied, "That means that you shouldn't want to become an adult."

Now that they are retired, my mother and father are discussing all aspects of their future. "What will you do if I die before you do?" Dad asked Mom.

After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.

Then Mom asked Dad, "What will you do if I die first?"

He replied, "Probably the same thing."