Saturday

Man: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
Bystander: It's a girl; she's my daughter.
Man: Oh, please forgive me sir. I had no idea you were her father!
Bystander: I'm not. I'm her mother.

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

Miss Rogers: 'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

Mortified doesn't even begin to describe how Jane's parents felt about meeting her new beau. He sported tattoos and piercing, swore like a sailor, and simply had a hostile air about him.

After he left, the mother said, "Dear, he doesn't seem like a very nice person."

"Mom," Jane said, "if her weren't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?".

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

You might be a redneck if…

Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.

My husband had reluctantly agreed to come shopping with me. But when he found himself stuck in a lingerie shop while I tried on one garment after another, he regretted his decision. Impatient and bored he asked a salesclerk, "Is there anything in the store for men?"

"Sir," she said, "everything in this store is for men."

My brother, on vacation in Malta, was appalled by the island's chaotic traffic, and asked the hotelkeeper why it was so disorderly.
"In some countries they drive on the right, in others on the left," explained the hotelier. "Here we drive in the shade."