Monday

There are two polite people having dinner together. On the table there is a dish with one big piece of fish and one small piece of fish.

They politely say to each other: "You may choose first."

"No, you may choose first."

And this goes on for a while.

Then the first person says: "OK, I'll take first."

And he takes the BIG piece of fish.

The second person: "Why did you take the big piece? That's not polite!"

The first person says: "Which piece would 'you' have taken?"

The second person replies: "Why, I would have taken the SMALL piece, of course."

The first person says: "Well, that's what you have now!"

YOU THINK GASOLINE IS EXPENSIVE?

Diet Snapple 16oz for $1.29 $10.32 per gallon

Lipton Ice Tea 16oz for $1.19 $9.52 per gallon

Gatorade 20oz for $1.59 $10.17 per gallon

Ocean Spray 16oz for $1.25 $10.00 per gallon

Pint of milk 16oz for $1.59 $12.72 per gallon

STP Brake Fluid 12oz for $3.15 $33.60 per gallon

Vick's Nyquil 6oz for $8.35 $178.13 per gallon

Pepto Bismol 4oz for $3.85 $123.20 per gallon

Whiteout 7oz for $1.39 $25.42 per gallon

Scope 1.5oz for $0.99 $84.48 per gallon

And this is the REAL KICKER......

Evian water 9oz for $1.49 $21.19 per gallon

.....$21.19 FOR WATER!!

So next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on Nyquil, or Scope, or Whiteout!!!!

Get into the habit of putting your billfold and car keys in the same place when entering the house.

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"

He agreed, so the two old folks stripped to the buff and sat back down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago!"

"I'm not surprised," grinned Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!!!"

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the door bell. A farmer appeared.

The man, somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster. Please allow me to replace him."

"Suit yourself," the farmer replied. "The hens are 'round back." '

You might be a redneck if…

Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.

When Diane found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen. But her 4-year-old son overheard some of her parents' private conversations. One day when Diane and her 4-year-old were shopping a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.

"Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we are going to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it quits!"

The farmer stood in his chicken yard watching hundreds of baby chicks running here and there. He kept pointing to them and trying to count them. "One, two, three, four, five, six,... oh, no..."

Then he would start over, "one, two, three, four, and,... oh, no."

Then he'd start over again.

Finally he said, "I give up. They say don't count your chickens before they hatch but it sure is easier to do that than it is to count them after they hatch."