Wednesday

Money doesn't bring you happiness,
but it enables you to look for it in more places.

Misers aren't much fun to live with,
but they make great ancestors.

The trouble with bucket seats is that
not everybody has the same size bucket.

When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you're in a public restroom.

Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.

The world is full of willing people:
some willing to work and some willing to let them.

Money isn't everything....
there's credit cards, money orders, and travelers checks.

A true friend is one that lets his grass grow as tall as his neighbor's.

A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can get going without pep pills,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment

If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,

If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

...Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!

Read carefully anything that requires your signature. Remember the big print "giveth" and the small print "taketh" away.

Statistics show that American workers labor the first three hours of every day just to pay their taxes. That must be why we can't get anything done in the morning

(AP) The Energizer Bunny, known best for "going and going and going..." passed away last evening at 12:42am. Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation.

Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming...

Foul play has not been ruled out.

You might be a redneck if…

There is more oil in your cap than in your car.

A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference between 'unlawful' and 'illegal'?"

Only one hand shot up. "Ok, answer, Joan," said the teacher.

"'Unlawful' is when you do something the law doesn't allow and 'Illegal' is a sick eagle."

Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team's response times.

"Since we installed our new satellite navigation system," bragged the first one, "we cut our emergency response time by ten percent."

The other paramedics nodded in approval. "Not bad," the second paramedic commented. "But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we've cut our average ERT by 20 percent."

Again, the other team members gave their congratulations, until the third paramedic said, "That's nothing! Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we've cut our emergency response time in half!"