Thursday

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

Top 10 Words That Don't Exist... But Should...

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow remove all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

Shh! Be vewy, vewy qwiewet! I'm hunting wuntime ewwors.

Translating Women's English:

No = Yes
Maybe = No
We need = I want
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
We need to talk = I need to complain
Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
You're so.. manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about??
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like

Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them slices her shot into a foursome of men.

To her horror, one of the men collapses in agony with both hands in his crotch. She runs to him apologizing profusely, explaining that she is a physical therapist and can help ease his pain.

"No thanks... just give me a few minutes... I'll be fine..." he replies quietly with his hands still between his legs.

Taking it upon herself to help the poor man, she gently undoes the front of his pant and starts massaging his genitals.

"Doesn't that feel better?" she asks.

"Well... yes... That feels pretty good," he admits. "But my thumb still hurts like hell!"

You might be a redneck if…

Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions

I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
And I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut

And I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
Or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch

I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting

It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack

And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome

Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
To have these two boobs and squat when I pee

I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal

I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
Stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band

Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
Then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
You can forget all about that old penis envy

I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick

I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

Three men met at a party, and it wasn't long until the conversation got around to their line of work and what kind of cars they drove.

" I'm a veterinarian", said the first fellow. "So, naturally, I drive a 'Vet' ".

As they smiled and nodded, the second man said, "I own a sign company, so I drive a Neon".

Now the third guy was suddenly quiet until he was egged on by the other two. "Well", he finally said, "I'm a proctologist... and I have a brown Probe"