Wednesday

I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be....

Puhleeeeeeeze!

I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you.

Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck) you'll probably relate.

Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.

In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.

Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too."

Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.

Mid-life is when you look at your-know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks?"

In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.

Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally -- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.

Mid-life means that you become more reflective...You start pondering the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important.

We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now for the body you had way back when?

Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired.

That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!

I have my own system for labeling homemade freezer meals.

Forget calling them "Veal Parmigiana" or "Turkey Loaf" or "Beef Pot Pie."

If you look in my freezer you'll see "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," and, my favorite, "Food."

That way when I ask my husband what he wants for dinner, I'm certain to have what he wants."

Be very suspicious if the advertised price of a Caribbean cruise includes the phrase "Free Ammo"

'No One Steals From God'...
CHICAGO - ...but they might try. Two men's plans to rob a West Side Catholic Church were foiled on Wednesday after a determined priest chased them down. The priest and church volunteers were already on alert because the collection box at St. Agnes Church had been robbed before, so when they noticed a man on their video security camera laying out tools to pry open the box, they were ready for action.
After Father Matt Foley rushed from the rectory to the church and grabbed the man's tools, a fight ensued in the church and continued into the street and then the alley. While parishioners called police Father Foley tried to keep the robber from stabbing him.
Police arrested two men, 24-year-old Mark Lopez and 44-year-old Arturo Camarillo, who Father Foley says had received meals and other charity from his church. Foley said he would take a similar risk again to save the church's money, commenting that "No one steals from God."

So this guy walks into a bar and says, "Gve me two beers."

The bartender obliges him. The guy looks into his wallet and says, "Give me two more beers." So the bartender gives him two more beers. The man went on like this until he had put down ten beers, and keeps on going in his wallet and asking for two more beers.

So the bartender asks, "What's in your wallet that you keep looking at?"

So the man opens his wallet and says, "The more I drink, the prettier my wife gets."

You might be a redneck if…

Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"

Reporting on the BIG story. . .

Our assistant pastor, an avid football fan, had to hear confessions on Saturday during an important Nebraska - Missouri game.

When one man had finished his confession, the Father asked him, "Are you by any chance going to be around the church for awhile?"

"Yes, Father," answered the man, "I'm painting the church, and I'll be here all afternoon."

"Would you mind, then," the priest asked, "coming back in now and then and keeping me posted on the game?"

"Sure thing."

Later, the priest slid open the confessional grille and heard, "Father my last confession was fifteen minutes ago. Since then I ain't done nothing and neither has Nebraska."