Saturday

Three third graders, a Jewish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are on the playground at recess.

The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Lets see who has the largest penis," he says.

"Okay." They all agree.

The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.

"That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer.

Now not to be outdone, the Hillbilly kid whips his out. It is by far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and girth.

The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow that thing is huge!" they exclaim.

That night, eating dinner at home, the Hillbilly kid's mother asks him what he did at school today.

"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ... and during recess, my friends and I played 'Let's see who has the largest penis."

"What kind of game is that, Enis?" says the mother.

"Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our cranks, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm a Hillbilly. Is that true, Mom?"

The Mom replies, "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-three."

Shirley and Abe, a retired couple from New York City, living in Miami, are getting ready to go out to dinner. Shirley says, "Abe, darling, do you want me to wear this Chanel suit or the Gucci?"

Abe says, "Do I care?"

A few minutes later Shirley says, "Abe, should I wear my Cartier watch or my Rolex?"

Abe says, "Whay ask me?"

A few more minutes pass and Shirley says, "Abe, love, shall I wear my five-carat pear diamond ring or my six-carat round diamond ring with the baguettes?"

Abe says, "Shirley, I really don't care what you wear, but if you don't move your ass we're going to miss the Early Bird Special at the Denny's."

COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage

"We can stay out late tonight," Joe told his friend Brad. "My wife's gone for a two-week vacation in the Caribbean."

"Jamaica?" Brad asked.

"No, it was her idea."

you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?Finding Nemo

You might be a redneck if…

The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hl are you looking at, Sh-thead?"

Our minister announced that admission to a church social event would be six dollars per person. "However, if you're over 65," he said, " the price will be only $5.50."

From the back of the congregation, a woman's voice rang out, "Do you really think I'd give you that information for only 50 cents?"

Little Johnny strikes again

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," ! said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said! the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"