Sunday

A guy's driving down a country road when he comes upon a sign saying "Apples - $5.00 each." He thinks that that is a lot of money so he decides to go see what's up. He goes up to the farmer and says, "Hey, how come these apples are 5 bucks each?" The farmer replies, "They are peanut butter and jelly apples." The farmer hands him one and says, "Here, try one."

So the man takes a bite out of the apple and says, "Peanut butter - that's great, but I thought you said that they were peanut butter and jelly apples."

The farmer tells the man to turn it around. The man bites the other side and exclaims "son of a gun - jelly!" The man says, "These apples are great - give me some!"

He gets back in his car and drives a little further down the road and then sees another sign "Apples - $10 each." Again, he pulls over, goes to the farmer and says, "Hey, what's up with these apples?"

The farmer says, "They're ham and cheese apples. Here, try one."

The guy takes a bit and exclaims, "Son of a gun - ham!" The guy then says, "Let me guess - I have to turn it around."

The farmer says "You got it." The guy bites the other side and says, "Cheese." Again the man says, "These apples are great - give me some."

Then he gets back in his car and drives down the road. He comes upon a third sign that says "Apples - $50 each." The guy really wants to see what's up with these apples. Again, he pulls over, goes up to the farmer and says, "What's the deal with these apples? 50 bucks each?"

The farmer tells him that "These apples are pussy apples. Here, try one."

The guy takes a bite out of it and says, "Yuck! This apple tastes like shit!"

The farmer says, "Turn it around!"

Tommy, Juan, and Colette, fourth-graders all, had put together a little stage show at street side, as children will. Unfortunately, in this case, the little knot of onlookers was blocking the sidewalk. Along came a policeman, who assessed the situation, and then went to talk to the producers. "I'm afraid you're creating a problem here, son."

"But, Officer, we're just doing a play."

"No, you don't understand -- the show must go, Juan."

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Here's even more church bloopers from church bulletins, message boards, sermons, announcements etc. Enjoy!
a.. Sermon Outline:
I. Delineate your fear
II. Disown your fear
III. Displace your rear
a.. Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch.
a.. If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check and drip in the collection basket.
a.. Nov. 11: An evening of boweling at Lincoln Country Club.
a.. Women's Luncheon: Each member bring a sandwich. Polly Phillips will give the medication.
a.. Karen's beautiful solo: "It is Well With My Solo."
a.. Congratulations to Tim and Ronda on the birth of their daughter October 12 thru 17.
a.. If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.
a.. We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector.
a.. Hymn: "I Love Thee My Ford."
a.. Sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be water baptized on the table in the foyer.
a.. Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight.
a.. Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep.
a.. The Advent Retreat will be held in the lover level of St. Mary's Cathedral.
a.. The District Duperintendent will be meeting with the church boared.
a.. As soon as the weather clears up, the men will have a goof outing.
a.. Fifth Sinday is Lent.
a.. Thank you, dead friends.
a.. Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.
a.. Lent is a period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter.
a.. Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits.
a.. For the word of God is quick and powerful...piercing even to the dividing asunder of soup and spirit.
a.. Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peach to men.
a.. Definition: Persons who are shut-in during bath weather.
a.. Bring one dozen coolies wrapped for Christmas.
a.. The lovers in the exhaust fan are not working.
a.. Volunteers are needed to spit up food.
a.. Head Deacon and Dead Deaconess
a.. We pray that our people will jumble themselves.

Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike.
Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!

You might be a redneck if…

The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.

An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there is no God.

He said, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"

Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting."

He got down to the last couple of minutes and a Marine just released from active duty and newly registered in the class walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him flying from the platform.

The professor struggled up, obviously shaken and yelled, "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Marine replied, "God was busy; He sent me."

"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." --Anonymous

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." --Jeff Valdez

"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." --Ellen Perry Berkeley

"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." --Mary Bly

"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." --Joseph Wood Krutch

"People who hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life." --Faith Resnick

"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." --Anonymous

"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." --Hippolyte Taine

"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God."