Monday

A member of the Country Club asked the lifeguard how he might go about teaching a young lady to swim.

"It takes considerable time and technique." replied the guard. "First you must take her into the water, then place one arm about her waist, hold her tightly, then take her right arm and raise it very slowly. . ."

"This is certainly most helpful." said the member. "I know that my sister will appreciate it."

"Your sister?" said the lifeguard. "In that case, just push her into the deep end of the pool. She'll learn in a hurry."

On a family vacation in Texas, my brother-in-law Mike exhibited the exuberance of a tourist. At a diner, he and his brothers ordered cheeseburgers. When his meal arrived, the first thing Mike noticed was its size.

"Wow," he exclaimed, "everything IS bigger in Texas!"

As he lifted the burger off the plate, his eyes met the cold stare of the 300-pound waitress.

"Normal" is a setting on a washing machine.

While Pfizer has had a lot of great press regarding the launch of Viagra, the male impotency drug, its marketing department has been working to develop its advertising campaign to augment its sales once all of the media coverage has died down.

While going through potential commercials, they realized that such an important medication needed a theme song to help its long term identity.

Here are a few of the top suggestions that came up in the meeting.

I am a Rock - Paul Simon

A Hard Days Night - The Beatles

Do That To Me One More Time - Captain and Tenille

Everlasting Love - The Bee Gees

No Ordinary Love - Sade

We've Only Just Begun - Paul Williams

Girls Just Want To Have Fun - Cindy Lauper

When I'm 64 - The Beatles

I'm Your Gun - Alice Cooper

In Too Deep - Genesis

Big Bad John -Jimmy Dean

Here He Comes Again - Dolly Parton

The Happiest Girl in the Whole U.S.A. - Donna Fargo

Behind Closed Doors - Charlie Rich

In The Mood - Glen Miller

A farmer was milking a cow and a fly was buzzing around. He shooed it away with his hand and it flew into the cow's ear.

He kept milking and saw the fly in the milk bucket.

The farmer thought, "Hmmm, in one ear and out the udder."

You might be a redneck if…

You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.

There were a total of 15 passengers boarding a small plane on their way to Florida.

One black mother and her child were on their way to visit relatives while the other passengers consisted of the KKK on their way to a convention.

The plane took off and after flying for approximately 12 minutes an announcement came over the intercom from the pilot saying: "We have overloaded this flight.

We are going to have to start throwing luggage out the window so the plane won't go down."

Two minutes later you could see luggage being thrown out the window.

Five minutes after that, the pilot made a second announcement.

"We are still experiencing problems. We're sorry, but the plane is still overloaded and we're going to have to get rid of some of the weight so the plane won't go down."

"We're going to have to ask some passengers to jump out of the window when we call you by your name. To make it fair, we'll go alphabetically. We'll start with A. Will all the African Americans please jump now?" The black woman and her child continued to sit.

The pilot came over the intercom system.

"Next is B. Will all the Black people please jump now"? The Black woman and child continued to sit.

The pilot came over the intercom system again.

"Next is C. Will all the colored people please jump now?" All the KKK was now staring at the mother and child.

The black woman and child continued to sit. The child then looked up at her Mom and said: "Mom aren't we all of those?"

The mother then replied to her daughter, "Baby, we niggers tonight and the K's come before the N's."

A couple decided to take their teenage daughter to a shopping mall in a nearby town one weekend. As they were getting ready to go, the girl came downstairs dressed in short shorts and a spaghetti string top.

An anticipated fight broke out between her and the husband over her inappropriate attire. In order to keep the peace, the mother stepped in and reminded her husband that when they were young she had dressed the same way, it was the style.

He said, "Yeah! Well if you remember right I had something to say about that, too!"

"Yes dear," she said, "you did. . . you asked me for my phone number!"