Tuesday

Two senior ladies met for the first time since graduating from high School. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, did you manage to live a well planned life?"

"Oh yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker."

Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"

"One for the money, two for the show. three to get ready and four to go."

First the Lord made man
in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself,
"There's something he's needing' ."

After casting about
for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around
and created a girl.

Two beautiful legs,
so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm,
and ever so tender.

Two lovely hips
to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm
to bring out the fire.

Two lovely breasts,
so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes,
as he whispers aloud.

Two lovely arms,
just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands,
to soothe and caress you.

Soft, cascading hair
hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes,
just to make him grow bolder.

'Twas made for a man,
just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth.
Ruined the whole f*^_ing thing.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.

Late for work already, I was annoyed to find a strange car in my reserved parking space again. After locating a spot far away, I stormed into my office determined to have the car towed. As the morning wore on, however, my anger mellowed, and I decided to give the driver another chance.

During lunchtime, I went outside and left this note on the driver's windshield: "Please don't take my parking space. If you do, and your car disappears, don't say I never towed you!"

The Judge admonished the witness, "Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?"

"I do."

"Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?"

"Sure," said the witness. "My side will win."

You might be a redneck if…

Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.

"I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis.

I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis. I don't know how I pulled through it.

It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had."

Signs That You Are No Longer A Kid

You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age ..... and isn't breaking any laws.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You make an appointment to see the dentist.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
Neighbors borrow 'your' tools.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"
You answer a question with, "because I said so!"
You send money to PBS.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You know what the word "equity" means.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel.
You can go bowling without drinking.
You have a party and the neighbors DON'T EVEN REALIZE IT!!!