Wednesday

Differences Between You and Your Boss...

When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough...

When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy...

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human...

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative...

When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm...

When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original...

When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative...

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business...

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill...

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked...

The Founding Fathers were sitting around a table sometime in 1776, working on the constitution. It had been a long day.

Father1: Whew! It's getting rather warm in here, isn't it?

Father2: Shall I open the window?

Father1: No, that's alright. I'll just take off my jacket, and roll up my sleeves.

Father2: Hey, that's a good idea. Why don't we include that in the constitution?

Father1: What? That we're allowed to take our jackets off and roll up our sleeves while at work?

Father2: Yeah, but that doesn't sound very smooth. How about "Everyone shall have the right to bare arms?"

Don't confuse mere inconveniences with real problems.

Julius and Irving, two very religious Jewish men, visited Marcus Pinkus the tailor to have new black suits made. When they went to pick up the suits, Julius looked at his suit very carefully; held it up to the light, walked over to the window, examined it more carefully and then proclaimed, "Marcus, this suit is navy blue. It's not black!"

"Trust me," said Marcus, "its black!"

"Irving, what do you think? Blue, or black?" asked Julius.

"To tell you the truth," said Irving, "I can’t really tell from this light if it's blue or black."

They left wearing their new suits and while walking down the street kept examining each other's suit to see if they were blue or black. Then they spotted two nuns standing on the corner and decided to go stand next to them. They knew their habits would be black and this way they could be sure.

Well, later that afternoon, the two nuns returned to the convent and visited with the mother superior to discuss their day in the city.

"A very strange thing occurred." reported one of the nuns. "Two Jewish men approached us on the street and they were speaking Latin!"

"Latin?" exclaimed mother superior. "Jewish men don't speak Latin; they speak Hebrew!"

"No." said the other nun. "It was definitely Latin!"

"Well, what did they say exactly?" asked the mother superior.

"I'm not really sure," said one of the nuns. "They just kept repeating the same Latin phrase: "Marcus Pinkus Fuctus!"

A small, uncertain, and nervous witness was being cross-examined. The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married?"

"Yes, sir," said the witness in a low voice. "Once."

"Whom did you marry?" the lawyer demanded.

"Well, a woman," the witness answered timidly.

The lawyer said angrily, "Of course you married a woman. Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?"

And the witness said meekly, "My sister did."

You might be a redneck if…

Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

Why a Kitten is better than a Baby…
Veterinarians have evening hours.
Your kitten won't be able to disturb the whole movie with its crying. Heck, you don't even have to take the kitten with you, and if you don't, you don't even have to worry about whether or not the sitter is available tonight.
Your kitten won't grow out of those cute but expensive clothes within three months.
Kittens look cute if they haven't had a bath in a month.
You probably don't have to lie awake nights wondering how you're going to finance your kitten's college education.
No one will question your abilities to function normally at your job when they hear you just got a kitten.
You only have to change the litter box once a day.

Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get acc- identally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped. Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Mr. and Mrs Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just......

.................A RETIRED COMMON TATER