Friday

A man was on holiday in the Caribbean and liking the continual good weather settled down for a day's sunbathing. He fell asleep and after a whole day his legs were sunburned beyond belief and he could hardly stand for the pain. So he goes along to the doctor for treatment.

The doctor looks at his sunburned legs and says, 'Well, you realize that this is only a small village with very limited medical facilities, and in reality I've really got nothing at all to help you. However, try taking one of these Viagra tablets.'

So the man says 'but I've got acute sunburn. What's a Viagra tablet going to do?'

The doctor says, 'basically, nothing at all for the sunburn but it will help keep the sheets off of your legs tonight.'

TEACHER: Little Johnny, go to the map and find North America.

LITTLE JOHNNY: Here it is!

TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?

CLASS: Little Johnny!

"Prison inmates are treated to cable TV, hot meals and a college education, while on the outside some people can only afford these things through

"That was nice of you to set up a blind date for your ex-boyfriend."

"I know, but I don't hold any grudges."

"I'm surprised he trusted you enough to agree to go out with her."

"Well, I had to swear to him she's Jennifer Lopez's double."

"Wow! Is that true?"

"I wouldn't lie. She's twice her weight and twice her age."

A blonde called in a repairman to fix her electric clock.

He examined it and told her, "There's nothing wrong with the clock. You didn't have it plugged in."

She replied, "I don't want to waste electricity, so I only plug it in when I want to know what time it is."

You might be a redneck if…

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

Sitting by the window in her convent, Sister Anne opened a letter from home and found a $10 bill inside. As she read the letter, she caught sight of a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against a lamppost below.

Quickly she wrote, "Don't despair, Sister Anne" on a piece of paper, wrapped the $10 in it and dropped it out the window. The stranger picked it up and, with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street. The next day Sister Anne was told that a man was at the door, insisting on seeing her.

She went down and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a roll of bills. "What's this?" she asked.

"That's the 60 bucks you have coming. Don't Despair paid five to one."

A friend's mom was driving in Canada. She was going through a park area. She sped up. Suddenly, she was pulled over by a park ranger. She decided to see if she could be cute and get herself out of a speeding ticket. When the officer approached her car, she asked innocently, "Gee, officer, are you selling tickets to the policeman's ball?"

To that, he replied, "No ma'am. We're rangers! We don't have any balls!" He continued to write down some information.

After about a half a minute, the park ranger looked up, turned red, and muttered, "Never mind." He closed his ticket book, got in his car, and drove off - no ticket was issued.