In loving memory of Tom Hogg, 1943–2023
MoFunny for
Punday · March 15, 2027
What was "Hot cockles"?
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Sometimes it's hard to avoid the happiness of others. -- David Assael, Northern Exposure, Our Tribe, 1992
The trouble with me is, I belong to a vanishing race. I'm one of the intellectuals. - Robert E. Sherwood
An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup. - H.L. Mencken
Pluto was discovered in 1930, and many feel this heralded the Depression, World War II, and the atom bomb.
Which nation has maintained a zero birth rate for many years? Vatican City
Is it OK for a unicorn play leapfrog with another unicorn.
Bizarre Holidays in April
April 4 is Tell-A-Lie Day
April 7 is No Housework Day
April 9 is Winston Churchill Day and Name Yourself Day
April 11 is Eight-Track Tape Day
April 13 is Blame Somebody Else Day
April 19 is Garlic Day
April 20 is Look Alike Day
April 24 is National Pigs In A Blanket Day
April 27 is Tell A Story Day
April 28 is Great Poetry Reading Day and Kiss-Your-Mate Day
April 30 is National Honesty Day
Have you heard Lorena Bobbitt's sister, Luella, had been arrested. You remember Lorena Bobbitt, don' t you? She's the one who hacked off her husband John's dick while he slept. Then she took the pecker, put it in her purse, got into her car, and hit the highway. She then withdrew the member and tossed it at out the window.
Ouch.
Anyway, her sister's been arrested for the EXACT same thing! Well, not the exact thing. More like attempted. She missed "the target," so to speak, and stabbed her hubby in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. Hubby's recovering in stable condition.
The police came, took all the statements and, well, they've charged Luella with a "mis de weiner."
Some people get lost in thought because it is unfamiliar territory.
When the teacher asked her young charges to put down some thoughts about their recent vacations, here's the essay one of them read out:
"We visited Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a really big brick house up here, but then Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people.
"They ride tricycles down there, and everybody wears name tags - I guess that's because they don't know who they are. They go to a big building called a wrecked hall, but if it was wrecked, they got it fixed because it's all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool there. They go into it and just stand there wearing their hats. I guess they don't know how to swim, either.
"As you go into the park, you see a doll house with a little man sitting in it. He watches everybody who comes in. When they can sneak out, they go to the beach and look for seashells that they call "dollars."
"My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody cooks, they just eat out. They eat the same thing every night: It's called "Early Birds."
"Some of the people are so retarded that they don't know how to cook at all, I guess. That's probably why my Grandma and Grandpa bring food into the wrecked hall. They call it POT LUCK.'
"My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life and earned his retardment. I sure wish they would move back up here, but I guess the little man in the doll house won't let them out."
A ship is called "she" because there is always a great deal of bustle about her;
there is usually a gang of men about'
she has a waist and stays;
it takes a lot of paint to keep her good-looking;
it is not the initial expense that breaks you, it is the upkeep;
she can be all decked out;
it takes an experienced man to handle her correctly, and without a man at the helm, she is absolutely uncontrollable.
She shows her topsides,
hides her bottom and,
when coming into port,
always heads for the buoys.
You might be a redneck if…
The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.
The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued the congregation for another twenty minutes and repeated his question.
This received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen more minutes and repeated his question. With thoughts of Sunday dinner, all responded except one old gentleman in the rear.
"Mr. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"86."
"Mr. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a man can live to be eighty-six and not have an enemy in the world."
The old man teetered down the aisle and slowly turned around. "It's easy. I just outlived them."
My sister, went to the department store to check out the bridal registry of our niece whose wedding was coming up soon. When my sister returned from the store, she tossed the gift list on a table and declared, "I think she's too young to get married."
"Why do you say that?" I asked.
"Because," she said, "they registered for Nintendo games."
What was "Hot cockles"?
"Hot cockles" was a popular game at Christmas in medieval times. It was a game in which the other players took turns striking the blindfolded player, who had to guess the name of the person delivering each blow. "Hot cockles" was still a Christmas pastime until the Victorian era.