Tuesday

You Know You're Getting Older When...

Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.

The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

You feel like the night after, and you haven't been anywhere.

Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.

You get winded playing chess.

Your children begin to look middle aged.

You're still chasing women but can't remember why.

A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.

You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

You look forward to a dull evening.

You walk with your head high trying to get used to your bifocals.

Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today..."

You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.

You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.

After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat.

Dialing long distance wears you out.

You're startled the first time you are addressed as an old timer.

You just can't stand people who are intolerant.

The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off.

You burn the midnight oil until 9 pm.

Your back goes out more often than you do.

A fortune teller offers to read your face.

Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by.

The little gray haired lady you help across the street is your wife.

You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.

You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there

There is a new study out about women. I thought these results were pretty interesting.

85% of women think their ass is too big.

10% of women think their ass is too little.

The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him and would have married him anyway.

Don't worry about the world ending today...
It's already tomorrow in Australia.
(unless you're in Australia -then start worrying)

Here's what the heck they mean in the Lone Star State...

The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving = Not too smart
As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party = An unwelcome person
Tighter than bark on a tree = Stingy
Big hat, no cattle = All talk, no action
We've howdied but we ain't shook yet = We've met, but haven't been formally introduced
He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow = He thinks his s#%! doesn't stink
She's got tongue enough for ten rows of teeth = She's a talker
It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs = Rain would be nice
Just because a chicken has wings doesn't mean it can fly = Appearances can be deceiving
This ain't my first rodeo = I've been around the block
He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch = U-G-L-Y
They ate supper before they said grace = They're living in sin
Time to paint your butt white and run with the antelope = Stop arguing and do as you're told
As full of wind as a corn-eating horse = A braggart
You can put your boots in the oven, but that doesn't make them biscuits = You can say whatever you want, but that doesn't change a thing

A Texan is bragging to a Rhode Islander. "In Texas," he drawls, "you can get on a train, ride all day long, and still be in Texas by nightfall."

"Yeah", replies the Yankee, "We have slow trains in Rhode Island too."

You might be a redneck if…

Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.

A well-dressed business man was walking down the street when a little kid covered in soot said to him respectfully, "Sir, can you tell me the time?"

The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, "It is a quarter to three, young man."

"Thanks," said the boy. "At exactly three o'clock you can kiss my ass."

With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman started chasing him. He had not been running long when an old friend stopped him.

"Why are you running like this at your age?" asked the friend.

Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said, "That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his ass!"

"So what's your hurry," said the friend. "You still have ten minutes."

Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?". But the initials really have been changed to stand for "What would Jesus drive?".

One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says, "God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury".

But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Jesus to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm".

Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast".

Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord..."

Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills".

Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land". And, following Jesus' lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda...