Thursday

During a hike with my friend, I noticed a black bird roosting in a nearby tree. "I've always wondered what's the difference between a raven and a crow," I said.
"You have to count the pinion feathers on the wings," my companion explained. "If there are four, it's a crow. If there are five, it's a raven."
"Really?" I said, although I knew he didn't have a clue about which he spoke.
"Oh, yes," he replied. "It's just a matter of a pinion."

A woman went on a tour of the White House. As the guide led her down one of the historic halls, a door burst open and a large aquatic sea mammal, balancing a beach ball on its nose, scurried past. "My, what was that?" exclaimed the woman.

"Oh, that's just the Presidential Seal," replied the guide.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error...

A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands. "Doctor," says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands, "will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?"

"I don't see why not," replies the doctor.

"That's funny," says the man. "I wasn't able to play it before."

An Irishman moves to the USA and finally attends his first baseball game. The first batter approached the batters' box, took a few swings and then hits a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming, "Run! Run!" The next batter hits a single and the Irishman listened as the crowd again cheered, "RUN, RUN!"

The Irishman enjoyed the game and began screaming with the fans.

The fifth batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started his slow trot to first base.

The Irishman stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye lazy bastard, run!"

The people around him began laughing. Embarrassed, the Irishman sat back down.

A friendly fan noted the man's embarrassment, leaned over and explained, "He can't run -- he's got four balls."

The Irishman stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, lad!"

You might be a redneck if…

You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.

A man walked into a supermarket, asking to buy half a head of lettuce. The stock boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man was insistent: he did not need a whole head, only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he finished speaking, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "--and this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Afterward, the manager said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?"

"Texas, sir."

"Oh really? Why did you leave Texas?" Asked the manager.

The boy said, "Nothing but loose women and ball players down there."

"Hey!" Said the manager, "My wife is from Texas!!"

"No kidding!" Says the boy. "What team did she play for?"

A police officer arrives at an accident scene where apparently three blondes have leaped to their death from a very tall building. He suddenly notices that one is still breathing so he approaches her and asks, "Why did you three beautiful girls leap out of that building?"

The blond answers in a very weak voice, "We wanted to try out our new maxi-pads with wings..."