Friday

A little old Lady from Tampa, called the Police some time in Mid Sept, and reported that one of her Lawn ornaments,( A painted Cement Duck), was stolen from her lawn. Rather Distressed, she felt that she had to make the report, to have it known that there are thieving Vandals in the area.

Police noted the report, and let it slide.

Two weeks later, the Lady received a letter in the mail, written in the standard ransom note format, cut out letters, etc. But enclosed in the Letter were several Pictures.... of her Lawn ornament. The Cement Duck was dressed in a Lei (Hawaiian Flower necklace type) with sunglasses and a Alcoholic Beverage. It was poised on a beach, with towels, and sunscreen, right near a sign that stated Wai-ki-ki beach.

The ransom note, not really a ransom note at all, Read:

Having a good time, wish you were here.

The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So, I tied her up and went golfing.

Don't insist on running someone else's life.

Salary Increase Request

The Request:

I, The penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor

I work at great depths

I work head first

I do not get weekends off or public holidays

I work in a damp environment

I don't get paid overtime or shift penalties

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation

I work in high temperatures

My work exposes me to contagious diseases

Response from the Administration:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your raise request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight

You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods

You do not always follow the orders of the management team

You do no stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe health and safety measures, such as wearing the correct protective outfits

You don't wait till pension age before retiring

You don't like working double shifts

You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the work place carrying two suspicious looking bags.

The Advantages Of Getting Older

Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
If you've never smoked, you can start now and it won't have time to hurt you.
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.

You might be a redneck if…

People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.

YOUR HOROSCOPE

Aries -- You are moving out of the shadow of Pluto and into the shadow of a large plummeting piece of Russian space junk. Dodge.

Taurus -- A good day for initiatives involving either career, the arts or insurance arson.

Gemini -- Time to make that extra effort to break the ice with the in-laws. Try cross dressing.

Cancer -- A large swarthy man will offer you refuge from the rain in his pants. Resist.

Leo -- Rise and shine. Up and at 'em. Stand and deliver. Turn your head and cough.

Virgo -- You will withdraw a large sum of money in an impromptu banking transaction. Run.

Libra -- Romantic flames burn brightly, followed tomorrow by a rash, tingling in the extremities, swelling of the tongue and blindness.

Scorpio -- This is the perfect day to redefine your relationship with your boss. Hold him hostage.

Sagittarius -- Travel beckons. Throw caution to the wind. Also, if possible, a co-worker.

Capricorn -- Indulge your lustful instincts, even if it means making the first move by doing an outrageous striptease -- unless, of course, you are spending the day on the witness stand.

Aquarius -- Time to make that big career move. It will involve international finance or being shot out of a cannon. If the latter, wear a hat.

Pisces -- Saturn puts you at the crossroads. Strike out on a new career path involving fries. Do not try to avoid the winds of change in a trailer park.

This is a nice one you could tell your children or grandchildren at bedtime. It would cut their fears and tensions I'm sure. Perhaps bring a small smile to their cute little faces.

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.

The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

"My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf.", says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.

About 2 miles down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.

"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf.", taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you get lost?! I'm trying to take a shit!"