Tuesday

"Instructions For Life"
Do not undermine your worth, by comparing yourself to others.

Dear Darling Son (and That Person You Married),

Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.

Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come.

Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me. I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now don't you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year. Give my love to my darling grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is -- the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.

Merry Christmas.

Love, Mom

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.

The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,"
and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says,
"That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers,

"My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Celebrate with some traditional Irish tavern songs!

St. Patrick was a gentleman

Who through strategy and stealth

Drove all the snakes from Ireland

Heres a toasting to his health.

But not too many toastings

Lest you lose yourself

And then forget the good St. Patrick

And see all those snakes again.

~Traditional~

You might be a redneck if…

Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face.

The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up you look so excited."

The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."

The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face.

The maid of honor notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited."

The bride replies, "I have just given the last blow job of my entire life!"

Christmas Arkansas Style

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the shack, not a thing was a movin', from the front to the back,

The kids were in bed, I believe we had nine, The wife in her curlers, was lookin' real fine.

A cold wind was blowin', up the holler it moaned, All seven dogs on the porch howled and groaned.

The boys were all dreamin' of weapons and guns, for killin' God's creatures, there's no better fun.

The girls in their feminine dreams were attuned, to getting those gallons of Wal-Mart perfume.

The wife wanted jewelry, like rings with big rocks, I wanted my Chevy, down off the blocks.

Then in the yard, such a noise did commence, like something was caught, in the barb-wire fence.

I ran to the window, and saw pretty quick, the man makin' the racket, was Good Ol' St. Nick.

You may think of Santa, in your own mind's eye, dressed in a red and white suit, But I've got a surprise.

That old boy's an Arkie, our fair state he won't fail'er, He married his cousin, and they live in a trailer.

On Christmas, of course, a sleigh for his rig, He hooks the thing up, to a razorback pig.

He climbed on the roof, with his bag full of goodies, He backed down the fireplace, all dirty and sooty.

Fat legs in his britches, chubby hands in his mittens, I admit from the back, he looked like Bill Clinton.

He turned toward the tree, His eyes all aglow, He was a Southern boy, from his head to his toe.

His neck was a red one, His shirt said "Light Beer", there was no red hat, his cap read,"John Deere".

He left all the presents, with an air of delight, Then it was back to the chimney, and into the night.

He ran into the yard, and threw his bag in the sleigh, Then he yelled at the dogs, to get out of the way.

And I heard him exclaim, as those pigs took to flight, Merry Christmas to all, And to all ...A "bud lite"

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