Wednesday

It’s Harold’s first day in the car pool. They honk the horn in front of his house and he comes running out. He gets about halfway down the walk when he hears a grunt and the sound of his wife’s foot tapping on the porch. He turns around and there she is scowling at him. He runs back to the steps, spreads her bathrobe, bends over, kisses her snatch, runs back down the walk and hops in the car.

They ride in silence for a few minutes, until Walter, the driver, has to ask, "Harold, it’s none of my business, but why’d you kiss her down there?"

Harold says, "You wouldn’t believe her breath in the morning."

I called my mother from the apartment. When she answered the phone, I could hear a noise behind her that sounded like a jet plane taking off. I asked, "Mother, what's that horrible noise?"

She replied, "It's the dishwasher. Your father fixed it."

The boss said while you're sick, he'd do all your work personally.

There’s a big Hollywood party and all the stars are there:
Demi, Ashton, Brad, Pamela, etc. Mick Jagger is there and decides to hit on Kate Moss. But she turns him down flat. It just goes to show you:
A Rolling Stone gathers no Moss.

One evening, while her husband is away on a business trip, the wife is at home having sex with her lover.

The headlights of a car pulling into the driveway startle her, and she looks out the window to see her husband getting out of a Taxi.

"Oh my god, it's my husband, he's home early!." She shrieks.

"What are we going do?" the lover asks nervously.

"Quick, follow me! Forget the clothes, there's no time!" She yells.

They both run out of the room completely naked, down the back stairs and into the kitchen. Frantically, the naked woman begins tearing through the cabinets, pulls out a big metal tin full of flour and shoves it into the naked man's arms.

"Here, sprinkle this all over yourself, then stand in the corner and don't move a muscle!"

The man shrugs his shoulders. Not having time to argue, he does as he's told.

A few moments later, the husband comes in and greets his nude wife in the kitchen. The two begin a heavy lovemaking session, during which the husband says, "What's with the statue?" pointing to the naked, flour covered man.

"Oh, uhh, I saw one just like it at the Smith's house down the street, and I thought one would look really good here," she responds nervously.

The husband thinks nothing more of it, and the two move into the living room where they continue their lovemaking.

A few hours later, when he is sure his wife is asleep, the husband gets up, and goes into the kitchen.

He opens the fridge, makes a sandwich, pours a glass of milk, then picks up both, walks up to the statue and says, "Here, eat this, I stood in the Smith house for two days, and not a single SOB even offered me a lousy glass of water."

You might be a redneck if…

When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.

Notice to people who visit my home:

1. The dog lives here. You don't.

2. If you don't want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. Yes, he has some disgusting habits. So do I and so do you. What's your point?

4. OF COURSE he smells like a dog.

5. It's his nature to try to sniff your crotch. Please feel free to sniff his.

6. I like him a lot better than I like most people.

7. To you he's a dog. To me she's an adopted son who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. I have no problem with any of these things.

8. Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about whether they have the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant you can sell the pups.

9. The same applies for the cats, except they will ignore you ... until you're asleep.

There was this really old guy at an old-timer's dance, and the problem was that he hadn't had any sex for a long time. He'd been dancing with all the grandmas all night, but still hadn't scored. Frustrated, he approached an old grandma and said, "I'm having no luck scoring a woman. How about coming back to my place, I'll give you 20 bucks!"

She says, "I'm willing, let's go."

They get back to his place and after a bit of foreplay; they head for the bedroom.

He loves the sex and can't get over how tight she is for such an old woman. He thinks that she's got to be a virgin.

After the wonderful performance, he rolls off of her and says, "Wow!!! Lady, if I had of known you were a virgin, I would have given you 50 bucks."

Surprised, she says, "If I had of known you were actually going to get an erection, I would have taken my pantyhose off!"