Thursday

Lorena Bobbitt's sister was arrested last night for attempting to cause the same damage to HER husband, except she missed and hit his leg.

She has been charged with a "misdeweiner".

A very drunk gent checked into a hotel late one Saturday night. He awoke very ill, and summoned a bellboy to fetch him a bottle of whiskey and a Sunday newspaper. The bellhop was gone a long time.

When he returned, the lush remarked, "It must be hard to buy a bottle in this town on Sunday."

"There was no trouble with the liquor," replied the bellboy, "but it's tough finding a Sunday paper on Tuesday."

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

After a heavy day's digging at the archeological site in Norway, researchers uncovered a priceless statue of the ancient Norse thunder god. He had bulging muscles and imposing stance, and his famous giant hammer. But most important of all, the eyes in his fierce-looking face were made of two giant rubies that glittered with a brilliant red color.
Of course, the two leading archeologists on the dig were both determined that they should be the one to have their name listed on the discovery. Pretty soon, a big argument was underway.
The two provided the others with a great source of amusement for the evening. By the time they finally gave up and called a truce, everyone else was feeling quite refreshed by the entertainment. As the crowd dispersed, one junior digger turned to his friend, and said:
"Well, that was a fight for Thor eyes."

A couple came to the police department, wanting to dispose of some ammunition. They handed the desk officer a wooden box and said that it contained two bullets an uncle had given them as souvenirs from World War II.

"We didn't know what to do with them," the woman explained. "So all these years, we've kept the bullets in the bottom drawer of the china cabinet, away from our children."

The officer assured the couple he'd dispose of the bullets safely. But when he took one out of the box the top came off, revealing a strange black substance. His suspicions aroused, the officer removed the top of the other bullet and found a hard white substance. There was no doubt about it.

The bullets were souvenir salt and pepper shakers.

You might be a redneck if…

You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.

A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.

When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great.

A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed "Now cut that out! I warned you!" and threw the group out of the bar.

The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, "If I told them once I told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN THE BAR!"

Three woman always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, however the laundry always gets wet. All the laundry, that is, except for Sophie's. The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days that it rains. So one day they are all out in the backyard putting clothes on the line when one of the women says to Sophie, "Say how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?"

"Well," says Sophie, " when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash."

"What if he has an erection?" asks one of the women.

"Honey," says Sophie, "on a day like that, you don't do the laundry!"