Friday

Lewis went out one night and got pretty wasted at a local bar. He awoke with a terrible hangover and went to take some Alka-Seltzer and relieve himself. When he looked down he saw he had a red and brown crusty substance around his dick. He scraped off a little of each into a container and sent it to a lab for identification.

When he went to see the lab technician, the tech said he had some good news and some bad. The good is that the red substance was ordinary lipstick, the bad is that the brown substance was chewing tobacco.

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend.

The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.

"Sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."

The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

Legitimate travel agents do not dress in foreign military uniforms.

Bumper Stickers

If you don't like the way I'm driving, YOU come get these handcuffs off!

If you are close enough to read this, I am close enough to slam on my brakes and sue you.

Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.

Drive carefully, we need every taxpayer we can get.

Drive defensively - buy a tank.

Don't make me mad - I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Go on, I'll see you at the next traffic light.

I may be slow but I'm ahead of you!

Where are we going and what am I doing in this handbasket?

On the back of an old pickup: If this truck was a horse, I'd have to shoot it.

I brake for tailgaters. Hard.

If you can read this, you are in phaser range.

Red meat isn't bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is.

FREE TIBET! (with the purchase of a 44 oz. drink).

My kid was Prisoner of the Month at Orange County Jail.

'Get in - buckle up - pipe down - and hold on!

Remember When ...

An APPLICATION was for employment. A PROGRAM was a tv show. A CURSOR used profanity. And A KEYBOARD was a piano.....

MEMORY was something that you lost with age. A CD was a bank account. COMPRESS was something that you did with the garbage. And if you UNZIPPED anything in public you would be in jail for a while.....

LOG ON was adding wood to the fire. HARD DRIVE was a long trip on the road. A MOUSE PAD was where a mouse lived. And a BACKUP happened to your commode......

CUT you did with a pocket knife. PASTE you did with glue. A WEB was a spider's home. And a VIRUS was the flu......

A COMPUTER was something on tv from a science fiction show. A WINDOW was something you hated to clean ... And RAM was the cousin of a goat ... MEG was the name of my girlfriend. Now they all mean different things And that really MEGA BYTES.

You might be a redneck if…

Bikers back down from your momma.

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Every time an Indian walks into the chief's teepee he sees that the chief is masturbating. They finally realize this is a serious problem, so they fix him up with a nice woman, and she starts living with him in his teepee.

One day, one of the Indians walks into to chief's teepee and there's the chief masturbating again.

He says, "Chief, what are you doing? We fix you up with a beautiful woman."

The chief says, "Her arm get tired."