Friday

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The old man and the boy thought that maybe the critics were right, so they changed places.

Later, they passed some more people that remarked, "What a shame he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk. Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride.

So, they both rode the donkey. Now they passed some more people that shamed them by saying how awful to see such a load on a poor donkey.

The boy and the man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned. The moral of the story?

If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.

Bubba is sitting with his wife, Maryjo, at a football game. Every few minutes, some guy comes over and fondles her. They squeeze her tits, reach up her dress, grind against her butt. And Bubba just sits there like nothing is happening.

Finally, a guy sitting next to him leans over and says, "Man, don't you see what the hell is happening?"

"Yeah, I do."

"Well, hell, man, why did you bring her to the game?"

"(Sigh) If I leave her at home, everybody goes to my house and screws her."

September is... National Chicken Month

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."

"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up & run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, & an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

Fax machines can have a great effect on politicians. Somebody just sent a fax message to every member of our state legislature.

Each fax message was exactly the same: "The press has found out everything."

Both houses of the legislature emptied out within thirty minutes.

You might be a redneck if…

Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.

The teacher asked her class what each wanted to become when they grew up. A chorus of responses came from all over the room.

"A football player,"

"A doctor,"

"An astronaut,"

"The president,"

"A fireman,"

"A teacher,"

"A race car driver."

Everyone that is, except Tommy.

The teacher noticed he was sitting there quiet and still. So she said to him, "Tommy, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

"Possible" Tommy replied.

"Possible?" asked the teacher.

"Yes," Tommy said. "My mom is always telling me I'm impossible. So when I get to be big, I want to be possible."

Two old women were talking and exchanging notes on their sexual activities.

The first old women told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband in the mood at night by getting totally naked lying in bed and putting her two legs behind her head yoga style.

The second old woman thought that was a great idea so that night, when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally naked and began the process of putting her two legs behind her head.

The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic, but she finally got it in place.

She had an even tougher time with the second leg so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head. However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air.

It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.

"Gladys!" he exclaimed, "For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an asshole!"