Saturday

A recent bride called her mother one evening in tears. "Oh, Mom, I tried to make Grandmother's meat loaf for dinner tonight, and it's just awful! I followed the recipe exactly, and I know I have the recipe right because it's the one you gave me. But it just didn't come out right, and I'm so upset. I wanted this to be so special for George because he loves meat loaf. What could have gone wrong?"

Her mother replied soothingly, "Well, dear, let's go through the recipe. You read it out loud and tell me exactly what you did at each step, and together we'll figure it out."

"OK," the bride sniffled. "Well, it starts out, ' Take fifty cents worth of ground beef. . . '"

An English professor was reading Canterbury Tales to his class and noticed that one of his students had fallen asleep. The professor was annoyed enough to send the book spinning through the air and bounce it off the sleeper's skull. Startled awake, the student asked what had hit him.

"That, "said the professor, "was a flying Chaucer."

No person was ever honored for what he received.
Honor has been the reward for what he gave.

A man walks in to a doctors office with a frog on his head. The doctor leaps up and says:

"Good grief, how on earth did you get that great ugly thing!"

The frog looks down and replies:

"I dunno Doc, it started out as a little wart on my bottom!"

Woman to husband at breakfast table:
"It sure is easier to get Junior up for school since he got his nose ring."
Q. What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
A. I don't know and I don't care.
Q: Why are frogs so happy?
A: They eat whatever bugs them!
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but you can't start a camp fire with a whole BOOK of matches?

You might be a redneck if…

You bring your dog to work with you.

The man was lonely so he went to his local petshop and asked for an animal that would make a good companion for him, as he was allergic to birds and fish. The petshop owner recommended a hamster, so the man bought two hamsters, some hamster food, and a special cage.

The next day the man was back in the petshop. 'Those two ham- sters you sold me have died. There must have been something wrong with them. Can I have two more, please?' The petshop owner gave him two more hamsters and the man left the shop. But next day the man returned and said:

'This is ridiculous! The two hamsters you gave me yesterday fell down and died this morning. I'll buy your entire stock of hamsters - then perhaps I might get two that will live a reasonable length of time - and perhaps even breed and keep me amused.'

The petshop owner sold the man his complete stock of hamsters - all fifty-eight of them - and the man left the petshop. Two days later the petshop owner was horrified to find the man in his shop again. 'All the hamsters have died,' said the man. 'I don't want anything to do with animals ever again - they just seem to curl up and die just to spite me. But it seems a pity to waste all the hamster bodies - is there anything you can suggest to do with them? It seems horrible to have to throw them in the dustbin.'

Well, said the petshop owner, 'if you mash them all up and then boil them until you get a sort of gooey stuff, this makes excellent fertilizer for the garden.'

The man left the shop and went home to follow the petshop owner's instructions. But a week later the man was back in the petshop. 'I really must congratulate you on your excellent suggestion,' said the man. 'I did as you suggested with the hamster bodies and in no time at all I had seven gigantic beanstalks in my garden. In fact, they were so high I had to stick red lights on top of them to warn airplanes to keep away.

That hamster mixture really is amazing stuff for beanstalks.' 'You know,' said the petshop owner. 'That's incredible. You usually get Tulips From Hamster Jam.'

And It Was Good, 1983, Harold Shaw Publishers: (pp. 21-22)

We do not love each other without changing each other. We do not observe the world around us without in some way changing it, and being changed ourselves. To listen to the news on radio or television is to be part of what is going on, and to be modified by it. But how on earth--or heaven--can that be reciprocal? We are changed by war and rumor of war, but how can we in turn change what changes us?

There are some obvious, small ways. We can join, if we are female, the League of Women voters. We can do volunteer work (despite a nine-to-five job) in the hospice movement. We can write our senators and congressmen. In the Greek play Lysistrata the women were so outraged by war that they banded together against the men to stop it. We are not as helpless as we may seem.

Those are a few of the obviously active ways. But there are less obvious ones that are equally important. I was asked how we could pray for our planet, with the devastating wars which are tearing it apart, with greed fouling the air we breathe and the water we drink. And I replied that the only way I know how to pray for the body of our planet is to see it as God meant it to be, to see the sky as we sometimes see it in the country in wintertime, crisp with stars, or to see the land with spring moving across it, the fruit trees flowering and the grass greening, and at night hearing he peers calling back an forth, and the high, sweet singing of the bats.