Saturday

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of Texas AM, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

A young camper at summer camp asked the chaplain if "hard on" was hyphenated.

The chaplain replies, "What in heaven's name are you writing home about!"

The young boy says, "I'm telling Mum and Dad about the project we worked so 'hard on'."

The Bible is the most popular crossword subject.

Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a language is to be taught in all Southern schools. Here are excerpts from the Hickphonics/ English dictionary:

HEIDI - noun. Greeting.

HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: "Heidi. Hire yew."

BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital is Hot-lanta. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."

FAR - noun. A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."

BAHS - noun. A supervisor. Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"

TIRE - noun. A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD - Verb. To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

TARRED - adverb. Exhausted. Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."

ARE - pronoun. Possessive case of we used as a predicate adjective.

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

FARN - adjective. Not local. Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."

DID - adjective. Not alive. Usage: "He's did, Jim."

EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA). Usage: "He cain't breathe ... give 'im some ear!"

BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JEW HERE - Noun and verb contraction. Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"

HAZE - a contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."

SEED - verb, past tense. Usage: "Bubba seed are bard pick-up."

GUMMIT - Noun. A bureaucratic institution. Usage: "Them gummit boys shore are ignert."

OCCUPATIONS I'VE HAD IN MY LIFE (Thanks to Dave A.)

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. . .
couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor,
but I just wasn't suited for it, mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.

Then I tried to be a chef, I figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker,
but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician,
but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor,
but I didn't have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory I tried,
but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman,
but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a workout center,
but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian, but there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks,
but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.

SO I RETIRED AND FOUND I AM PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

You might be a redneck if…

The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it).

On Being Bald...

If a man is bald in front, he's a thinker.
If he's bald in the back, he is a lover.
If he's bald in front and back, he thinks he's a lover.
'Papa, are you growing taller all the time?'
'No my child. Why do you ask?'
" 'Cause the top of your head is poking up through your hair.'
He has wavy hair... it's waving goodbye.
He's not baldheaded... he just has flesh-colored hair.
There's one proverb that really depresses him: 'Hair today, gone tomorrow.'
He has less hair to comb, but more face to wash.
It's not that he's baldheaded...he just has a tall face.
There's one thing about baldness... it's neat.
There's a new remedy on the market for baldness. It's made of alum and persimmon juice. It doesn't grow hair, but it shrinks your head to fit what hair you have.
He's so bald that it looks like his neck is blowing a bubble.

While visiting a friend who was in the hospital, I noticed several pretty nurses, each of whom was wearing a pin designed to look like an apple.
I asked one nurse what the pin signified.
"Nothing," she said with a smile. "It's just to keep the doctors away."