Monday

During the eight years he served as Eisenhower's vice president, Richard Nixon had many reminders of the esteem accorded to people in his position. Once, the Nixons were staying at a hotel in Chicago when a fire alarm went off in the middle of the night. Hundreds of guests, including Dick and Pat Nixon, were herded into the lobby. Once Nixon realized that it was a false alarm, he and his wife headed for the elevator.

"Just a minute," said the hotel's security chief. "Everyone stays in the lobby until we get the all clear."

"I'm the vice president," Nixon said.

"Oh," the security chief said. "Sorry. Go right ahead."

Nixon pressed the elevator button, and the security chief had second thoughts. "Vice president?" he said. "Of what?"

"Of the United States," Nixon answered.

"Get back out here," the security chief said. "I thought you were a vice president of the hotel."

A MAGAZINE RECENTLY RAN A "DILBERT QUOTES" CONTEST. IT SOUGHT PEOPLE TO SUBMIT QUOTES FROM THEIR BUSINESS SITUATIONS. HERE ARE THE TOP TEN FINALISTS:

1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond,WA.)

2. "What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. (Plant manager, Delco Corporation)

6. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

8. A member of my immediate family passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

10. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (Hallmark Cards executive)

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

He asks "What for?"

She says "I want to kill my husband".

He says "Sorry, I can't do that."

She then reaches into her handbag and pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him.

He says, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription..."

The new librarian decided that instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a "Contract" for returning the books on time.

Her first customer was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a new librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the librarian, giving her his name as he did so.

The librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out. The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust.

Before the librarian could even start her speech he said, scornfully, "That other librarian we had could write."

You might be a redneck if…

Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.

The African chieftain was so religious that when he ascended to power, he forbade the killing of animals. Not long thereafter, the lion and cheetah population began to get out of hand, and, starving in the wilds, they began feeding on humans.

Before long, even the antelope and zebra were so plentiful that they began nibbling on natives.

The terrified populace petitioned their leader to rescind his edict, but he refused: thus, they had no choice but to overthrow the chief. Not only was the revolt successful, It was the first time in history that ...

a reign was called on account of game.

Noah was standing at the gangplank checking off the pairs of animals when he saw three camels trying to get on board.

"Wait a minute!" he said. "Two each is the limit. One of you will have to stay behind."

"It won't be me," said the first camel. "I'm the camel whose back is broken by the last straw."

"I'm the one people swallow while straining at a gnat," said the second.

"And I am the one that shall pass through the eye of a needle sooner than a rich man shall enter heaven." said the third.

"Well, I guess you had better all come in," said Noah, "the world is going to need all of you."