Tuesday

An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know I live by the railway, well on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway to cut a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky sonofabitch. Was she pretty?"

"Dunno... never found the head!"

A young guy in a two-engine fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.

The hotdog said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot." The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.

Perplexed, the hotdog asked, "So? What did you do?"

"I just shut down two engines, kid."

Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so man would live a long and healthy life.

But Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the double cheeseburger. And McDonald's said to man, "You want fries with that?" And man said "Supersize them" and man gained pounds.

And God said, "Try my fresh salad."

But Satan created ice cream. And man gained pounds.

And God said, I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them. "

But Satan created steak so big that it needs its own platter. And man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

But Satan created cable TV with remote control so man would not have to toil to change channels. So man watched others exercise and man gained pounds.

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

But Satan created deep fried potatoes called potato chips(crisps) and dips in which to plunge them. And man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in fat and cholesterol, it tasted good, but man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

But Satan controlled the health care system.

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies.

The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys.

The reindeer had been playing their reindeer games all afternoon and were dead tired.

To make matters worse, Rudolph had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.

Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours and all of my reindeer are sleeping, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree yet! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"

Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says, "Yo, fat Santa man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"

And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass...

You might be a redneck if…

The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".

During rehearsal, the high school Music Director was beside himself. The cymbal player in the band was constantly coming in at the wrong time with his cymbal clash. The young man maintained that his entry point gave a much better effect and that he wouldn't play it as written. When the Music Director was asked by the Principal why he fired the young musician from the band, he replied,

"It was a simple case of cymbal disobedience."

One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town. Everywhere he saw evidences of the most amazing shooting.

On trees, on walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with the bullet hole in dead center.

The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship.

The man turned out to be the village idiot.

"This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen," said the FBI man. "How in the world do you do it?"

"Nothing to it," said the idiot. "I shoot first and draw the circles afterward."