Wednesday

Congratulations were showered on Kaplan. His number 49 had won the top prize in the lottery.
"Say Kaplan," asked Goldstein, "how did you happen to pick number 49?"
"I saw it in a dream. Six sevens appeared and danced before my eyes. Six times seven is 49, and that's all there was to it."
"But six times seven is 42 not 49."
"Hah? Kaplan says. . ." All right professer, I von da lottery...so you be the mathematician!"

One afternoon while I was visiting my library, I noticed a group of preschoolers gathered for story time. The book they were reading was: THERE WAS AN OLD LADY WHO SWALLOWED A FLY.

After the librarian finished the first page, she asked the children, "Do you think she'll die?"

"Nope," a little girl in the back said. "I saw this last night on FEAR FACTOR."

The parachute company says you'll get a full refund.

I've heard through my sources in the CIA and FBI that Saddam isn't all stupid. (Yeah, I have sources in the CIA and FBI. Me and that Chuck Barris guy. Fer shure.)

Saddam's watched what our planes did in Afghanistan and has ordered the renaming of some of his villages and towns just in order to confuse us.

Some of the new names include:

Wherz-myroof

Mykamel-izded

Oshit-Disisabad

Waddi -El-Izgowinon

Pleez-Ztopdishit

Kizz-Yerass-Goodbi

Ikantstan-Disnomore

Wha-Tafuk-Wazi-Tinkin

Myturbin-Izburnin

Imma-Dedshmuck

A college student goes to the school therapist. During the session, the therapist asks, "How is your sex life?"

"I have a lot of issues with sex," the student replies.

"What kind of issues?" the therapist asks.

"Oh, mostly Hustler and Penthouse..."

You might be a redneck if…

You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

A lady from California purchased a piece of timberland in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.

He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?"

The unperturbed doctor replied, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area."

A friend of mine was trying to figure out the best way to break up with her boyfriend. She seemed awfully concerned that he not be angry.

"Are you afraid he'll spread lies about you?" I asked.

"I don't mind the lies, but if he ever tells the truth, I'll break his neck," she answered.

Random Cartoon Title: Safe Sex in Middle E