Saturday

A very nervous bride went to the minister and told him that she did not think that she would be able to get through the wedding ceremony. The minister, trying to calm her down, told her that she really had nothing to worry about.

"You only have three things to do. Walk down the aisle, stand at the altar and say 'I do' when I ask you the question and then listen for the hymn that closes the ceremony. That's all there is to it."

The nervous bride took the minister's advice and shortened it to a simple mantra that she kept repeating over and over to keep herself calm.

What her groom heard as his bride walked down the aisle was her repeating "Aisle, Altar, Hymn". (I'll alter him.)

When Chester Harding was painting Daniel Boone's portrait in 1820 (when Boone was nearly 86 years old), Harding asked Boone if he had ever been lost during his travels.
Boone replied, “No, I can't say as ever I was lost, but I was mightily bewildered once for three days."

A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue.

A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours.

Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total isolation. He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine and feel despondent.

As he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries.

Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump."

The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood.

"Who said that?" he called out.

There were two horses, a white one and a black one, standing in the fenced field alongside the road. The man was amazed when the white horse repeated, "It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight and try it again."

Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.

When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Gimme a large whiskey, please!" he said.

A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost."

"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.

The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"

The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes, it was! Am I crazy?"

"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher, "because that black horse don't know nothing about cars."

"Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son."

"OK: He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery."

"How can you say all that without even meeting him?"

"I thought you said he's 13?"

You might be a redneck if…

The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.

A women goes to her boyfriends parents house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!"

The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Ginger!"

Once again the woman smiled and thought, "yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "dad gomit Ginger, get away from her before craps all over you!"

Pfizer Corp. is making the announcement today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

Pepsi's proposed ad campaign claims: It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink. This additive gives new meaning to descriptions like cocktails, highballs and just a good old fashioned stiff drink.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of Mount And Do.